Election Night in Illinois

This is why I’m not allowed to watch the local TV news at home anymore. This, right here:

Thanks to all the TV folks reporting from each campaign night
headquarters and assuring us how enthusiastic supporters of this or
that particular candidate are and how they like the numbers they are
seeing so far. Especially when all I see on the screen is a few bored
people milling around with overpriced, watered-down drinks in their


And thanks to all the TV “reporters” for once again failing to come
up with any decent questions to ask at any of these headquarters’. It’s
not like you haven’t had time to think about it.


Garrard McClendon monitoring a CLTV chat or blog or something: “It’s red hot!”

Now he’s reading content-free comments from anonymous people we don’t care about.

McClendon reiterates that this shows how engaged voters are despite the low turnout.


And you know, on that last, in general: Old-media dickweeds are the first people to decry anonymous Internet comments and stupid blogs and online polls and other nonsense as, well, nonsense, but then they jump on board the bandwagon anyway for fear they might be missing something, or in the kind of pathetic, desperate effort to remain relevant that doesn’t work on a prom date much less an anchor. Which creates the impression, for their readers or viewers, that they have no fucking idea what they’re talking about.

Just because a thing exists doesn’t mean you have to use it. Maybe reading comments from a live chat would be good, if they were funny (like our Crack Vans) or smart (like our Crack Vans) or interesting (like our Crack Vans) or contained Crimean War references interspersed with discussions of the Kinsey Scale (like our Crack Vans). But don’t just be all, “And here’s some stuff from the blog!” because you want to show off that you’re hip and happening andwhoomp there it is and shit.

It’s the Sir Edmund Hillary Theory of the Internet, they have web sites because they’re there, and they’ll tell anyone who listens that they pine for the days of yore when all you needed was a scotch and a typewriter … just go get some Glenlivet and an Underwood then, jackass, nobody’s stopping you.


6 thoughts on “Election Night in Illinois

  1. We actually have one quite good local newscast WWL and 2 that aren’t half bad in NOLA. This market is well above average in that regard. They do cover some dopey stuff but they also have pretty damn good political coverage.

  2. Yesterday morning, we woke up to brown water coming out of the faucet. Clearly, something was wrong. We ran the water for a while, to see if it would straighten out, cuz it’s an older neighborhood and you get rust chunks sometimes.
    It wasn’t improving, and it was 6:30AM, so calling somebody wasn’t going to be much help.
    I turned on the local morning news – which I NEVER watch. OMG.
    Luckily, the guy in the helicopter doing TRAFFIC was able to tell me there was a broken water main a few blocks away. See, it was impacting traffic so he mentioned it, and then I knew what was going on. Without that, wouldn’t have heard anything – and this broken water main was right by the University and downtown. I know, not big news to people on the OTHER side of town, but they could have taken 30 seconds away from talking about scary terrorists being Mirandized to mention it, since they are the LOCAL news, I would have thought.

  3. i think you could have called the water dept or 411.
    i don’t remember ever watching local gnews. vague memories of a weather puppet tho. it was an alleycat. yeah. i knew the sports caster, so my maternal grandparents must have watched. but in high school, it seemed worthless. and i was a Cspan junkie at 17 when i discovered with our new cable.

  4. and – as an illinois resident – thanks to all the news sources who broke the story of scott lee cohen’s arrest record and hooker girlfriend two days AFTER the election, rather than maybe two days before. you know, when it might have done some good.

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