Failbook: Raising Homemakers

The Internet’s butthole yawns before us.

I have several questions with this.

1. Have these people ever seen any movie ever? Because I spend many of my insomniac hours watching shitty movies on late-night HBO and about 9 out of every 10 are about how the kid doesn’t want to take over Dad’s farm, he wants to be a fashion designer/sail a boat around the world/play ice hockey/join the Rebel Alliance. I mean, my parents raised a devoutly Roman Catholic Republican teetotaler who didn’t own pets and would never dream of using the F-word in public, so we know how well that kind of thing generally goes. (In their defense, it actually did stick with the other two kids, so there’s a good chance I was hatched.)

2. Why drag God into it at all? Why can’t the young ladies run the house and raise the kids because that’s what they like and want to do? Or would even the recognition of self-determination scuttle the whole project? Why does God have to be the enforcer of this? He’s got junk mail to sort and orphans to look after and THERE’S A HELLMOUTH IN GUATEMALA. He’s got kind of a full plate. Can’t you bake a pie without his intervention?

3. Okay, so the kid grows up, and she’s a homemaker, and you get … what, out of the deal? Validation that your parenting was awesome? Safety in the knowledge that no upstart offspring of yours is going to make you question your choices with her own? Evolutionary security? This is me being a childless whore, right, thinking that it would be far more of a parenting victory to have a kid grow up and do something wildly different than what I’d already done, right? Like if I somehow accidentally raised a very chill skydiver who loved insects and always ate vegetables?



4 thoughts on “Failbook: Raising Homemakers

  1. Why does Melanie Schuster Simpson have two last names? Shouldn’t she just use her husband’s last name? In fact, why does she have an identity at all? Did she ask permission?
    And by the way, Melanie, I was the only daughter in a family of four children. Look how well that whole godly housekeeping thing turns out. Just for starters, I didn’t take my husband’s last name. And then I divorced him.

  2. There was a wall post from someone who wanted to know how she could get her daughters to help do work around the house, because they always said they were too tired, didn’t want to work, or just played around.
    The girls were ages 3 and 5.
    Really need to go punch something now.

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