Just Don’t Fucking Get Married

God Almighty. Thus ends my lusting after all things Wilton, and buying their baking accoutrements, because fuck them.

I really, really, really loathe the cutesy little cottage industry devoted to maintaining the impression that not only does marriage suck, but it’s okay and actually hilarious that it sucks, and it sucks because Teh Wiminz is always dragging the freedom-loving men into it, in this case by the tuxedo. Fuck that noise. In the first place, dude, you didn’t have to get married. In the second place, your marriage doesn’t have to suck. You can make it not suck, or end the marriage, and thus deal with the problem instead of making funny fucking jokes.

I don’t know why this kind of thing annoys me so much, except for maybe the fact that I fucking love being married, so I sort of have the reaction people have when you say their football team sucks. Mostly, though, I just hate people letting themselves off the hook for stupid shit, pretending misery is unchangeable and inevitable, and trying to make out like it’s marriage’s fault their marriages suck.

I’ve been around people who talk like people who would laugh at this shit, and the undercurrent of desperation is just painful. If you are in a sucky relationship in which one of you is the jailer
and the other one’s the guard (not like that, perverts), if you feel
dragged to the altar, if you think of yourself as having been coerced
into something you didn’t want, IT IS TIME FOR YOU TO LEAVE THE CAKE
TOPPER AISLE AND GO GET SOME THERAPY. Possibly a restraining order of
some kind. It’s not a joking matter. We have a limited amount of time on this planet. You shouldn’t spend it with someone who is angry and unhappy and punishing, and this shit comes from an angry, unhappy, punishing place.

And this is on top of your wedding cake? This is how you START the marriage? No wonder divorce rates are through the roof.

A.

3 thoughts on “Just Don’t Fucking Get Married

  1. Adrastos says:

    Yeah, you right, A. I like being married too. My wife is more awesome than Della Street and that’s pretty damn awesome.

  2. Those toppers have been out for years now. I can’t stand Wilton due to the ‘method’ crap. I refuse to take their classes and I think my cakes are better for it. Meh, I can’t pipe stars one after a bazillion to make a ‘teddy bear’ that’s been baked in the shape…so what? I can carve an oyster out of cake blanks, cover in fondant, paint to look realistic. THAT’S my speed.
    Their fondant tastes wretched, prompting me to professional grade brands that don’t make play-doh look like a suitable substitute.
    Those reasons are why I don’t care for Wilton.
    As for the toppers – one that I still want (but my mom would HATE – making me want it more…for an engagement party cake – I’d have something MUCH more true to what kind of couple we are for a wedding cake, should I need one…not jumping the gun, but my inner caker…c’mon) is one I saw about 18 years ago at Stuart’s Gifts…the bride had a whip and the groom was on all fours w/a collar. It appealed to my inner-more-interesting side, not that I wanted to have all control in the marriage. I thought it was funny and totally more intriguing than the staid, standard pair – unless it was a great vintage pair of toppers. But them I’m weird that way.

  3. darrelplant says:

    In a related matter, I’ve been waiting for someone here to weigh in on the new Alka-Seltzer commercial that’s been running for a month or two, with a young woman running into the kitchen to hug her mom and announcing in an excited voice that she “got into one of the best schools in the country.” The dad (who sort of resemblances the father in “Married With Chikdren”) is sitting at the kitchen table eating a sandwich and the scene immediately replays with the title “WHAT HE HEARD”, which is “I got into one of the most expensive schools in the country.”

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