Stop fucking your students

Here’s a note to all the soon-to-be professors out there, especially those of them who seem to come from professional fields and use their long careers as cache to take these jobs:

A classroom full of 20-something young women is NOT a smorgasbord of pussy for you to enjoy.

(I would have made this gender neutral, but it seems as though most of these things involve middle aged men and their Viagra-tuned cocks. My apologies to all the women-folk out there who might be thinking, “So I can fuck the captain of the football team? That’s cool, right?” The answer remains FUCK NO.)

UNC had to fire its recently hired head of their special innovative, digital, special, super, online, wave-of-the-future newsroom after he was schtuping a college student. If I had a dollar for everyone of these cases, I’d buy an official First-Draft flying car and use it to travel the country so I could find these assholes and beat the shit out of them.

For every one of these dickheads are 100 or more good, honest, decent professors who look at their students like they are androgynous blobs. In my world, if these students have sex glands, I surely don’t want to know and couldn’t care less about how they are applied. I certainly don’t want them applied to me.

However, every time this comes up, those 100 or more find themselves cringing more than a bit. Was this comment too off the cuff? Was I accidentally staring at someone? Did I do something wrong? The answer is no, but paranoia is a funny thing: you tend to get it when something isn’t overt.

I had a kid in class one year who had to keep missing school to testify against her former track coach. Seems a 35-year-old guy had a thing for 16-year-old girls and he kept texting them. When she’d tell me stories, I’d listen politely, but I wanted to cut this guy’s balls off. I also had trouble when I had to interact with her. It was something that’s hard to describe.

Maybe we need stronger laws. Maybe we need better people. Maybe we need to pour saltpeter into the punch bowl at faculty mixers. Whatever it is, we need something.

For my part, I’ll be looking to start up my own Internet project. You can access it atwww.keepyourfuckinghandsoffthekidsyouareteachingasshole.com

Should be fairly successful.

7 thoughts on “Stop fucking your students

  1. Gummo says:

    It’s even worse when it happens in high school.
    There was an ultrasleazy science teacher in my high school who ran thru a number of confused young women (us guys never figured it out because he was old, short and long greasy grey hair he never combed). But his line of patter must have been amazing.
    I know at least one woman who was pretty much screwed up for life by him; I’m sure there were others. Of course, this was the 70s, so there were no repercussions.
    Power games involving sex are ugly whenever they happen.

  2. Athenae says:

    Smorgasboard of Pussy is the name of my Pussycat Dolls tribute band.
    Also, seriously, what the hell? I think college tends to get a pass on this stuff because everybody’s legal, but as you point out there’s a huge power differential to be considered.
    (By the way, in high school it has nothing to do with his looks, that teacher. I had an insane crush on my high school English teacher and he looked like Doc from Back to the Future. He barely knew I existed, though.)
    A.

  3. Snarki, child of Loki says:

    Maybe we need better people
    Well, duh. Figure out how to do that, and lots and lots of problems go away.
    Sometimes I think that humanity is wasted on Humans.

  4. pansypoo says:

    well, yes.
    fellow student at art school had a kid by a instructor at a different art school.

  5. Aaaargh says:

    My wife’s ex has been doing this for years, sometimes diddling four coeds at a time. It’ll be interesting when the shit finally hits his fan.

  6. Adrastos says:

    This post could also be called Campus Malakatude or Professorial Malakatude. Malakas are everywhere.

  7. Interrobang says:

    Yeah, I had a huge crush on a (married) professor of mine in university, but I didn’t, um, put the bee on him because that would have been wrong. He also wasn’t what most people would consider attractive, but I like nerdy-looking professorial types with salt-and-pepper hair, and he had the mostastonishing accent!
    That said, don’t fuck your students, and students, don’t fuck your professors. (If faculty really turns your crank, at least get it on with someone whoisn’t instructing you.)

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