The Gaydar App

Via commenter Ruth on Facebook, there’s an app to tell if your son is gay. It does not ask the question, “Does your son have intimate relationships with men?” which makes the thing kind of a waste of time, really.

Shockingly, it also does not ask the only question that matters, which is, why the hell do you care? I swear, the more I look around me and watch people fuck up their lives flatter than hammered shit, the more I wonder why anybody would be dissatisfied with a child simply for being gay.

Do you KNOW what people get up to these days? Doesn’t anybody worry about their kids becoming serial killers anymore, or developing some horrible disease, or getting pasted on the freeway, or any one of a hundred thousand things that would be actually problematic? Doesn’t anybody worry their sons will never find jobs, or will be drug addicts, or any one of a thousand things that would keep me up at night? Doesn’t anybody worry their kids are the class bully or torture small animals in the alley?

Shit, these days if your kid is employed and said employment does not involve robbing nursing homes or selling counterfeit baby formula, if your kid is not impregnating schoolgirls or spreading STDs among the clergy, you should be down on your knees thanking God you raised a winner.

If all you have to worry about is that your son may one day prefer the penis, maybe it’s time to stop monitoring his every move on your phone and start noticing that you have raised a kid who will be better off than 90 percent of anybody else’s mouthbreathing offspring, and chill the hell out about who he likes to date.


10 thoughts on “The Gaydar App

  1. there’s an app to tell if your son is gay
    Sure, don’t talk to your son about it. Ask your Iphone.
    By the way, does that app work for daughters too?

  2. Personally, I’d have liked one that told you how likely it was that your son might actually buy the iron you kept tactfully mentioning whilst last at his place/bombsite, *and use it to iron his shirts*.
    Clearly he hasn’t read the rule that says “guys who date other guys are very concerned with their personal appearance”. I wish.
    Also, as ever, apparently there are no bisexuals. Or lesbians.

  3. The one I never understand is “Is his best friend a girl?”. The assumption is that if he is hanging around girls, he is gay. To put this is starker terms: “Does your son hang around the prime source of pussy available? If so, he is gay. Because only boys who constantly reject pussy and slavishly follow penises around all day can be straight. Only gay men want to be near pussy – straight men prefer penis!” One really wonders about how these people define “gay” and “straight”
    For the record, my father would have answered virtually all those questions in such a way to indicate I am happily throating John Barrowman right this instant. How confused he would be at my bed-shattering fuck-bunny antics with my wife. Poor sod, led astray by technology.

  4. This a joke right?
    The assumption is that if he is hanging around girls, he is gay.
    Reminds me of an interview I read once about a young man studying ballet. He told his friends “would you rather lift weights or girls”.

  5. Jb,
    That I am making a joke? No. The asshats’ belief is that hanging around with girls means you are gay (cause you are feminized). Therefore the question about the gender of your son’s best friend. I agree that it ignores the obvious happy-sexytime(het) advantages provided by actually being in the same timezone as a vagina, but my theory is that gayness among men is actually closer to 70% (with 10% reporting) due to the painfully overcompensating behavior and “girls bad, icky, only penis-equipped playmates for me” attitude you see in so many males of all ages. If you saw that behavior in their choice of dessert (“no pie, never, I only want to eat cake; and if I have to eat pie, I will do it as fast and begrudgingly as possible, and then go back to the cake and talk about how the pie is a frigid bitch, unlike my studly cake-buddies”), then you would have to assume they were cakelovers who only eat pie because the Bible tells them they have to – and also assume they went on so many cake-only hunting, fishing, and driving trips so they could eat cake in secret, before having to drag-footingly go back to pie.

  6. Can I sleep soundly tonight safe in the knowledge that the results of this app have been rigorously validated? That the app is based on proven factors that correlate with sexual preference?
    Didn’t think so.
    Can I assume that no high schooler is gonna get ahold of this app and use it to harass other students (even though the other students may or may not be gay – hey there might be an upside if the straights experience harassment for being identified as gay????)?
    I’m atrying to figure out what questions could be4 asked that have a strong correlation.

  7. Athenae: bearing in mind the specific bisexual I am thinking about, I sincerely hope not, lol. But, hey for shoutout to old f_w days.

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