Via commenter Ruth on Facebook, there’s an app to tell if your son is gay. It does not ask the question, “Does your son have intimate relationships with men?” which makes the thing kind of a waste of time, really.
Shockingly, it also does not ask the only question that matters, which is, why the hell do you care? I swear, the more I look around me and watch people fuck up their lives flatter than hammered shit, the more I wonder why anybody would be dissatisfied with a child simply for being gay.
Do you KNOW what people get up to these days? Doesn’t anybody worry about their kids becoming serial killers anymore, or developing some horrible disease, or getting pasted on the freeway, or any one of a hundred thousand things that would be actually problematic? Doesn’t anybody worry their sons will never find jobs, or will be drug addicts, or any one of a thousand things that would keep me up at night? Doesn’t anybody worry their kids are the class bully or torture small animals in the alley?
Shit, these days if your kid is employed and said employment does not involve robbing nursing homes or selling counterfeit baby formula, if your kid is not impregnating schoolgirls or spreading STDs among the clergy, you should be down on your knees thanking God you raised a winner.
If all you have to worry about is that your son may one day prefer the penis, maybe it’s time to stop monitoring his every move on your phone and start noticing that you have raised a kid who will be better off than 90 percent of anybody else’s mouthbreathing offspring, and chill the hell out about who he likes to date.