Newt Hates Everybody

Jesus, was he pissed last night. Santorum actually gave an animated, charismatic speech (in which nearly everything was patriarchal, insulting or just plain weird, like let your 93-year-old mom sit DOWN, for fuck’s sake), and Romney managed to not invoke the ghost of the King of Lichtenstein or whatever the hell his problem with Europe is, but by far the most hateful of the whole night was Newt.I mean:

And June and July were really hard, and it was precisely because the national elite — especially in the Republican Party — had decided that a Gingrich presidency was so frightening that they had to kill it early.

Actually it was a Gingrich nomination they were trying to kill, honey. Ain’t nobody electing you president.

GINGRICH: And at the very depths of the establishment rejecting it, thousands of more people came to newt.org and signed up. And the result was, by South Carolina, we won a historic victory, carried 43 out of 46 counties. And it was extraordinary.

(APPLAUSE)

GINGRICH: And I’m pretty sure that tonight we have a number of the South Carolinians who helped us win who are here who came over to help celebrate this great victory.

VOTER FRAUD! Get James O’Keefe on the phone! Newt just admitted it! Impeach him!

And so they piled on $20 million in three weeks of negativity in Florida, and we were still standing. We carried all of north Florida.

And then those commies down in Cuba ruined everything.

He goes on and on and on about how many points he was down and who said what about him and he brings in Callista about a hundred times and then some random schmucks he gets to coach him in the debates, and there’s a way to play the underdog story but you have to do it in less than three hours because behind Newt was this guy, looking like he really needed a piss:

ShowPicture

(APPLAUSE) Todd Palin made phone calls and really helped communicate that there was a candidate who ought to be helped.

We could never quite get him to remember who that candidate WAS, but look, Snowbilly Ken works for me, okay?

And — and let me be straight. I — I don’t believe the Romney technique of outspending your opponent four- or five-to-one with negative ads will work against Barack Obama, because there is no possibility that any Republican is going to out-raise the incumbent president of the United States. Therefore, you can’t follow that strategy.

Now we get into a ten-minute section where he’s basically having a campaign strategy session with the entire universe on national TV. Like, the American people do not need to be here for this meeting, okay?

We’re still only about halfway through, by the way.

(UNKNOWN): No TelePrompTer!

(LAUGHTER)

GINGRICH: Well, we run a very frugal campaign, and we couldn’t afford one.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

But I’ve — I’ve already promised that if the president will agree to seven three-hour debates in the Lincoln-Douglas tradition, he can use a TelePrompTer if he wants to.

Anyone watching who isn’t plugged into the Wingnut Matrix just asked what a teleprompter IS and why it’s such a big deal.

And I want to say to all of you, any of you who have friends anywhere in the country, if you can e-mail them, if you can post on Facebook something as simple as, “Newt equals $2.50-a-gallon gasoline,” if you can go to Twitter and put in #250gas, I mean, we run a very inexpensive, very straightforward, reach-every-single-person campaign.

There is nothing more presidential than asking people to scrawl shit all over Facebook. I mean, this is his idea of asking people to participate in his campaign? Twitter-tag me?

Then he gets into a soliloquy about stupid shit he read about the president on wingnut blogs:

(LAUGHTER) Algae. I mean, I think this summer, as gas prices keep going up, one of our campaign techniques should be have people go to gas stations with a jar of algae…

(LAUGHTER)

… and say to people, would you rather have the Gingrich solution of drilling and having more oil? Or would you like to try to put this in your gas tank?

And all across America small town police forces start getting calls about some toupee-wearing weirdo assaulting people at the Kwik Trip.

When the Iranians practice closing the Straits of Hormuz through which one out of every five barrels of oil in the world flow, the short-term answer is the U.S. Navy and the U.S. Air Force. And the ultimatum: that closing the straits would be an act of war and their government would cease to exist.

NUKE IRAN! That will bring the price of oil down! Instability in the region immediately leads to profit!

Leaders create large goals. Leaders create a vision of a better future. Leaders arouse the American people to go out and do great things.

Leaders spend what felt like six hours recounting their campaign numbers, name-checking various pollsters and their third wives, and cackling at their own teleprompter jokes.

So if your friends ask you why we are emphasizing $2.50 and is it practical, first of all, you can tell them to go to newt.org. We have there an entire 30-minute speech which outlines why it is doable and it’s practical.

WE KNOW YOU’VE JUST GIVEN IT OH GOD PLEASE KILL ME.

With your help, we’re going to get enough people to come to newt.org and sign up. We have 173,000 donors already; 95 percent of them give less than $250. We have a place where you can actually come in and give one Newt gallon. That’s $2.50.

(LAUGHTER)

If you get excited, you can give 10 Newt gallons. That’s $25.

Newtgallons.

Leaders have big ideas and bold visions.

A.

6 thoughts on “Newt Hates Everybody

  1. mass says:

    “”America’s broke and gas prices are rising. We must cut taxes and go to war with Iran.””
    And any motherfucker saying that will get 40-plus percent of the vote in November.

  2. mass says:

    Sorry … any white motherfucker…

  3. montag says:

    So, Newticles is still a fat man in search of a balcony.

  4. thebewilderness says:

    Newt ate the grass right down to the roots. No grassroots for ewe newt.

  5. MapleStreet says:

    I can’t believe Newt-ster is laughing at growing algae to make energy. No more far fetched (and frankly more reasonable) than using corn or switchgrass to make energy. Plus it doesn’t make the gas out of the world’s food supply.
    Hasn’t he heard of biofuel?

  6. filkertom says:

    I swear, it’s as if Bunson Honeydew was turned evil and covered with Vasoline.

Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: