Malaka Of The Week: Chris Christie


The MSM is still blowing Gov. Kramden as I write this. Their love affair with the corpulent and mouthy Christie is a mystery to me but it’s true love. We all know how such a love affair ends, in recriminations and hard feelings. Just ask John McCain or Barack Obama.

As a satirist I prefer to mock the pompous and pretentious, which is why I decided to kick Christie when he’s on top of the world by making him malaka of the week. I saw his megalomaniacal victory speech and heard him prattle on and on and on about “completing his mission.” If he’s talking about Hurricane Sandy recovery, he’ll need pull a Bloomberg and run for a third term instead of bopping off to Iowa, New Hampshire, or South Carolina. Btw, the prospect of Gov Kramden mixing it up with rural yahoos in the Palmetto Bug state is quite thrilling.

Now that we’ve gotten the man known to the Willard Mittbot Romney campaign as Pufferfish’s Presidential dreams out of the way, it’s time to focus on his latest malakatudinous outburst. I’m referring, of course, to the way this puffed up chump berated a school teacher who had the temerity to speak her mind in front of him.Here’s how eyewitness and all around swell reporter Dave Weigel, who took the pictures above, reported the incident:

But here’s what I saw. After the rally, Christie made his way back to
his campaign bus, flanked by low-key security guards. Tomlinson, who had
been carrying a sign and handing out fliers from her Badass Teachers
Association, asked Christie why he’d called New Jersey schools “failure
factories.” Christie rounded on her, blurting out that he was sick of
“you people.”

“This story—oh really? They have more money now than they’ve ever had
before. This is an old story from you folks, and they fail because you
guys are failing in those schools. Have you ever sent your child to one
of those schools?

“You portray us as the bad guys,” said Tomlinson.

“Guess what, this is the most money the school has ever spent on education in the history of this state,” said Christie.

“It is not,” said Tomlinson.

“$9 billion in education!” yelled an onlooker.

“Yeah, and it’s down 0.1 percent,” said Tomlinson.

“And it’s never enough for you,” said Christie.

“All I want is money for my students and my school,” said Tomlinson.

“Do your job,” said Christie, turning away and heading into the bus.

This is the “new, inclusive” Chris Christie? Sounds like the old assholish Christie to me, folks. This sort of encounter is one reason I think he’s doomed as a national candidate. He’s more likely to be the next Mayor 911 Combover than the next President. He’s bound to pop his cork and say something craptastic when the klieg lights of national attention are trained on him. He’s also NOT A MODERATE. He’s a union busting, Wall Street lobbying, anti-choice conservative Republican. The only reason he looks “moderate” is that his party has been taken over by the neo-Confederate wing of the lunatic fringe.

In addition to being a malaka, Chris Christie is a Richie Incognito level bully. Talk about an unequal struggle between a Governor and a school teacher. Richard Nixon was every bit as angry and hateful as Gov. Malaka but he had the cunning to keep his basest rantings private. People may love Christie because he “keeps it real” but he’s a ticking time bomb that’s likely to go off at the worst possible moment. To paraphrase an ancient 10CC tune, “he’s a clockwork creep…tick-a-tick-a-time bomb.”

The only thing that surprises me about Christie’s encounter with Ms. Tomlinson is that he didn’t say this: “To the moon, Alice. POW, right in the kisser.”

6 thoughts on “Malaka Of The Week: Chris Christie

  1. Don’t miss Christie’s question to Tomlinson: “Have you ever sent your child to one of those schools?” Because when the exact same question was posed to Gov. Blowhard, he refused to answer, claimed it was irrelevant to the discussion, and basically blew off the questioner in the same manner as he blew off Tomlinson.
    “Thin skinned” doesn’t begin to describe Christie and his ultra-defensiveness. It makes me think the man’s a complete fraud, and that he’s scared to death of being exposed.

  2. Am not really sure why the media loves them some Governor Mr. Creosote, but they really do, and I’ve seen it filter down to the rubes (e.g., I overheard someone at work singing his praises). My guess is that a few or more folks who had blowhard asshole dads who hollered at them — and maybe gave them a beating — have grown up to believe that solving problems is a matter of yelling, being a blowhard asshole…and a good beating.
    That said, Christie plays the media — and the media let themselves get played — like a cheap fiddle. You’re right that it probably won’t do much good in wingnutistans like South Carolina, but I could see 2016 coming down to a race between him and Tailgunner Ted…

  3. Christie will have to pivot hard right to get the nomination, but inasmuch as he’s philosophically aligned with the Tea Party already, all he has to do to “pivot” is start following the script when he opens his mouth.

  4. Who is that woman standing next to him grinning ear-to-ear as he’s unleashing on the teacher? She’s behind him in the acceptance speech video, too. Grinning idiotically then as well. If that’s the Mrs. then they well deserve each other.

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