Suffering CATS

Oh come ON, CNN:

But, oh, CNN was not done. A couple of minutes later, Lemon brought out more tweets in order to say, “Whether it was hijacking or terrorism or mechanical failure or pilot error, but what if it was something fully that we don’t really understand? A lot of people have been asking about that, about black holes and on and on and on and all of these conspiracy theories. Let’s look at this. Noha said, ‘What else can you think? Black hole? Bermuda triangle?'” And then Deji says, ‘Just like the movie ‘Lost.”‘”

Okay, Lemmywinks, if you’re relying on someone who doesn’t realize that Lost was a TV show, you’re scraping under the barrel for the goo that’s dripping from it. Sorry, Noha and Deji, for spoiling your moment in the dying sun of cable news. But, wait, he continued, “And of course, it’s also — they’re also referencing The Twilight Zone, which has a very similar plot. That’s what people are saying.”

People are also saying it’s the Illuminati in cahoots with, fuck, let’s say Mossad and, why not, the Masons. And what episode of Twilight Zone? The one where the plane was an illusion? Or the one where it went back to dinosaur times? Or are you saying it was gremlins? Was it gremlins? Do we need to get a psychic to talk to the gremlins with her mind? Goddamnit, where is Medium when you need her?

Lemon was quizzing Mary Schiavo, former inspector general of the United States, about black holes, Bermuda Triangles, islands where everyone is dead (except they’re not, but maybe they are; goddamnit, that was a waste of six years), and gremlins. “I know it’s preposterous,” Lemon scoffed, then added quickly, “but is it preposterous, do you think, Mary?”

Schiavo looked like Lemon had asked her if she spits or swallows as she said, “A small black hole would suck in our entire universe. So we know it’s not that. The Bermuda triangle is often weather, and Lost is a TV show.”

Thank God our traditional media employ gatekeepers to keep this kind of crazy theorizing confined to the Internet.


2 thoughts on “Suffering CATS

  1. Well, as he says at the end, at least it pre-empted Crossfire…but, goddamn, talk about a wankfest…Wankstock, maybe?

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