Solipsistic piehole Jay Mariotti, who used to disgrace Chicago with his opinions about sports, says that the rape accusations against Darren Sharper are, in fact, all about Jay Mariotti:

Sharper, a five-time All-Pro who is accused of drugging women in most of the alleged rapes, is represented by Leonard Levine. He is best known as a criminal defense attorney, recalling his successful 2006 defense of Mark Sanchez when the current New York Jets quarterback was accused of sexual assault as a USC student-athlete. But curiously enough, in August 2010, Levine chose to reverse roles and represent a troubled plantiff who’d lost her full-time job, had little money to her name and chose to tell lies and press charges against an innocent man who’d simply tried to help her.

Me.

Okay. I mean, yawn, but I get it. When you have a media platform, you might as well use it to trash people you think are shitty.

Better than bragging about how awesome you are.

First, please realize I’m living a good life in southern California, by the beach, blessed with wonderful companions and friends. My multi-media sports site, featuring a three-hour national radio show streamed Monday through Friday, has been a glorious ride, allowing me to speak and write freely and interview guests in a professional forum without ESPN-like institutional filters. I harbor no bitterness about a grossly unfair episode involving a regrettable association, which was blown up into a debacle by sleazy media sites and even reputable newspapers that never sought my side and didn’t try hard to seek the truth. I was accused of crimes I did not commit — by a person who made several unsuccessful attempts to seek a large financial payoff, including a civil case that was quickly dropped — and my life today is as clean and upstanding as it always was. My two daughters are well. I am well.

Whoops.

I have no opinion on the accusations against Sharper, just an opinion on how awful this column is. Nothing says “I’m not bitter” like 90,000 words about how totally sick your new life is. And there’s nothing more appropriate than using your children as a shield against criticism. BY THE WAY I HAVE KIDS: This is the grossest line in the entire gross column.

Lawyers lie — it’s a redundancy — but Levine recklessly disregarded the truth and severely damaged my reputation in a retaliatory Los Angeles Times story. Because I didn’t want my family exposed to further one-sided media coverage and rampant lies being told by the plaintiff, I chose not to pursue this winnable case in a very expensive trial.

How incredibly big of you. I’m sure that is why you pleaded no contest to stalking and assault. But then, everybody is out to get this guy. EVERYBODY. Thank goodness he’s so high-minded and willing to let things go.

So, to retaliate, he invented a sick lie. He told the Times that I’d punched his client in the face. I haven’t punched anyone in my life, much less a woman in the face. He didn’t tell the Times that she was a heavy drinker, didn’t tell the Times that she was the one abusing me, didn’t tell the Times she had fallen twice on a drunken boat excursion off Marina del Rey — with several witnesses around — and sustained bruises that Levine conveniently blamed on me. No, Levine wanted to get back at my attorney. So he fabricated a horrible image of me for public consumption.

I thought about suing Levine. Instead, wanting to be rid of the sleaze element, I moved on.

Mariotti is so disgustingly full of crap, Roger Ebert once told him to get bent, just in case you were thinking any of this bore any resemblence to reality.

Mariotti continues:

In the coming weeks and months, you’re going to read quotes from Levine defending Sharper. This is what he told a judge last week:

“All of these were consensual contact between Mr. Sharper and women who wanted to be in his company, who voluntarily ingested alcohol and drugs in many cases.”

All nine cases were consensual. That’s what Levine is saying.

And this is what he said when agreeing to a judge’s edict that Sharper not go to bars or clubs: “If he goes to a bar and meets women, he’s putting himself in a position of being accused of misconduct whether it’s true or not.”

Levine would know. He used that strategy against me.

He was representing a person who was accusing you of misconduct. Are you NEW?

May the better lying lawyer win. Such is the American legal system, 2014.

Apparently.

Am I a terrible person for being impressed he didn’t haul out the out-of-context Shakespeare line like your dickhead Republican brother-in-law does every time tort reform comes up? I’m surprised the McDonald’s coffee case didn’t make an appearance, given that this entire column could have been authored by a first-year law student who got a speeding ticket and now is like, so disillusioned with the system, bro. It’s like nobody can catch a break.

Certainly not Jay. But he’s let it all go.

A.