If I ever open a malakatude hall of fame, mouthy Lakers superstar Kobe Bryant will be a charter member. I’m reasonably certain that his current teammates wish that he’d go somewhere, anywhere, in a hurry after his latest tirade at a Lakers practice:
“You motherfuckers are soft like Charmin in this motherfucker. God damn, is this the type of shit that’s going on in these practices? Now I see why we’ve lost 20 fucking games. We’re soft like Charmin. We’re soft like shit.”
One thing that’s nice about being on a blog with a fuck quotient is that I can fill in the dashes left by those ESPN motherfuckers. I think Kobe could teach our Jude a thing or three about cursing. Fuck yeah, beef man.
The funniest thing about this cosmic tantrum is that Kobe practiced at all. The only other NBA player I can think of who hated practicing more than Kobe was Allen The Answer Iverson who led the league in creative excuses for NOT practicing for many years. Kobe finally seized the crown when Iverson bitched his way out of the NBA.
Kobe isn’t used to losing but was never particularly happy when winning championships either. I’m not sure, however, if an asswipe whose father’s nickname was Jellybean should call anyone else as soft as Charmin. It’s Linsanity, I tell ya…
I’ll give the social media elves at Charmin the last word:
You know, in terms of toilet paper, saying you're as soft as Charmin is a good thing. In basketball? Not so much. #tweetfromtheseat
— Charmin (@Charmin) December 11, 2014
I lied about giving Mr. Whipple’s lot the last word, it really belongs to my main man, Keith Olbermann from whom I stole the meaty post title: