I have a hellacious cold today so thoughtful analysis is beyond me. I am, however, almost as obsessed with the Insult Comedian’s weird hairdo as he is. The folks at Gawker have done the definitive investigation into the Donald’s hair and have discovered that it’s an elaborate weave. If he didn’t spend all his time lying about his hair, he could use this as selling point with African-American women; many of whom have weaves up the wazoo.
Presumptive GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump has generated an unceasing torrent of press attention that some estimate to be worth roughly $2 billion. Yet the central mystery at the very core of his persona—his inscrutable hairdo—has somehow, impossibly, remained unsolved. Until, perhaps, now.
A tipster who claimed knowledge of Trump’s hair recently came to Gawker with a potential solution to the enigma: Trump’s hair is not his own, costs tens of thousands of dollars for installation and upkeep, and comes from a man as mysterious as Trump is bombastic.
This solution that Trump, our tipster says, sought for his hair woes is a little-known, patented hair restoration treatment called a “microcylinder intervention.” It’s only performed by one clinic that we know of—Ivari International—where our source once sought treatment, and where he says he learned of Trump’s apparent patronage. What’s more, Ivari’s New York location was inside Trump Tower—on the private floor reserved for Donald Trump’s own office.
This may sound trivial but hair is important. I suspect that Trump identifies with Samson as portrayed by Victor Mature in the campy Cecil B. DeMille flick. If his cotton candy piss hair is exposed as bogus, perhaps his powers will wane; at least I hope so.
It’s only a matter of time before the Insult Comedian sues Gawker over the, uh, hair piece about his hair piece. I wonder if he can enlist Silicon Valley shitbag Peter Thiel to finance any litigation. Thiel is not only a Trump delegate but a *real* billionaire as opposed to Trump whose claims of wealth are as phony as the weave on his head.
That’s all from me today. I’m so woozy that I cannot even make a proper Thiel pun. I have a Thieling that I’m going to close with a number from a certain Broadway musical: