Veepstakes, Lowstakes, 2016

I am on the record as believing that the second slot on any national ticket is worth what FDR’s First Veep, Cactus Jack Garner, said about the office itself: “It’s not worth a bucket of warm piss.” Vice Presidential speculation is strictly a parlor game for the media and political junkies. Geographical balance is irrelevant, as is ideological balance or imbalance for that matter. The only reason the pick is of any significance is as an example of the nominee’s judgment. J Danforth Quayle was a terrible pick but Poppy Busy won 426 electoral votes in 1988. And Sarah Palin didn’t lose the 2008 election, Senator Walnuts did a bang up job of that himself.

The speculation continues because it’s fun. In the case of the Republicans, it’s a matter of who will take the job since you have to be Trump’s second fiddle and he’s strictly a one-man band.  It’s hard to imagine anything more demeaning than that but there seem to be 3 guys who are willing to go down in flames: Newt Gingrich, Chris Christie, and Mike Pence. Apparently, the latter is so unpopular at home that Hoosier GOPers are trying to foist him on the Insult Comedian and an unsuspecting nation. Neither Newt nor Governor Asshole has anything better to do and both are natural attack dogs who haven’t had rabies shots since they were feral puppies.

I think the Hippocratic Oath applies to the Veepstakes: First, do no harm. But even when you pluck an Agnew, Quayle, or William Miller out of obscurity, if the timing is right and the top of the ticket is strong enough, you can win. Miller was Goldwater’s choice. He was picked because according to the nominee, “He bugs Lyndon Johnson.” Worst reason ever: Everything and everyone bugged LBJ. Goldwater-Miller lost badly to the infinitely more distinguished Johnson-Humphrey ticket.

In the spirit of helpfulness for which I am famous, I have some campaign poster suggestions for two possible GOP tickets. Mike Pence is such a dull pick that I’m not fooling with him. Let’s start with Donald-Newt, which I think will be the ticket:


I also think there’s a chance that the Insult Comedian will double down on Northeastern malakatude and pick the wildly unpopular Governor of New Jersey. Why? He can yell as loudly as the Donald:


Speaking of bridges, I’ll give Albert King the last word:

In dissent, Justice Neko Case. Guess I lied about that whole last word thing:

2 thoughts on “Veepstakes, Lowstakes, 2016

  1. The GOP VP nomination will be decided at their convention.

    With a swimsuit competition. If Newt is still in the running, I advise, NOT watching, NOT having your TV even turned on, best to play it safe and UNPLUG the TV, or better yet, CUT the plug off of the power cord.

    1. You’re an evil human being. That image is now seared on my memory. In the immortal words of Wayne Campbell: “I gotta hurl.”

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