I haven’t spent much time pondering what makes Mike Pence tick. He’s so stoical, pious, and low-key that it’s hard for someone like me to find someone like him interesting. But I’m a writer and I’m interested in why people do the things they do. Additionally, there’s a fascinating piece in today’s WaPo about the collapse of his relationship with President* Pennywise. That’s why I have Mike Pence on my mind right now.

It’s not just buck-naked ambition with Mike Pence as it is with Ted Cruz. There’s a cultivated blandness there that has always made me uneasy. Pence is the kid in your class who tattles on his classmates and sucks up to the grownups. He was probably middle-aged at heart when the rest of us were having food fights and making crank calls. Mike Pence has never made a crank call in his life. He wouldn’t even know why this is funny:

Mike Pence is *always* understated hence his underreaction to the fly on his head at the Veep debate. The Veep has taken understatement to a whole new level in the aftermath of the Dipshit Insurrection. The mob was chanting “Kill Mike Pence” as they burst into the Capitol. A normal human being would pop their cork, lose their shit, or otherwise display emotion. Not Mike Pence, he’s made of calmer stuff.

A normal human being would have marched to the White House after the riot, demanded to see President* Pennywise, and screamed at him: “You told rioters to come after me, you twisted son of a bitch.” Not Mike Pence, he’s made of calmer stuff.

My father was obsessed with people’s national origins in a non-bigoted way. He was a proud Greek American and thought everyone else should be equally proud of their own ethnicity. This background led me to ponder Pence’s origins, he seems to be 3/4 Irish and 1/4 German. Even using the broadest ethnic stereotyping that explains nothing. Germans are allegedly calm but the Irish-at least on St. Patrick’s Day and in John Ford movies-are excitable. In theory, Mike Pence should only be 1/4 calm. Nobody would select this as Pence’s personal theme song:

Then I pondered his region of origin. He’s a Midwesterner and they’re prone to laconic low-keyness. Is that a word? If not, it should be.

In theory, his Hoosier roots should make him a calm basketball fan, but that doesn’t explain his eerie underreaction to the dipshit lynch mob that howled his name at the Twelfth Night White Riot. Hoosier hoops fans yell at the refs when they blow a call. Not Mike Pence. He worships authority even when it’s personified by an Impeached Insult Comedian with a dead nutria pelt atop his head. Why? Mike Pence is made of calmer stuff.

Next, I sought an explanation in his religiosity. Mike Pence is an evangelical Christian, but they’re prone to snake handling, speaking in tongues, and religious ecstasy. Mike Pence has never been ecstatic in his life. Mike Pence is made of calmer stuff.

If Mike Pence were a normal person, he would have run out of patience with the Kaiser of Chaos last week. We know Pence make some decisions that prevented Trump from issuing orders to the military, which is a good thing. What’s vexing is his refusal to assist in removing Trump from office via the 25th Amendment or urging him to resign. It can’t just be political calculation. Deep down, Mike Pence must know that sycophantic Veeps are rarely elected president or even nominated by their party. Just ask J. Danforth Quayle. He knows.

Most of us would have felt righteous indignation after a run-in with a feral Trumper mob. Not Mike Pence, he’s made of calmer stuff.

As you can see, I spent too much time yesterday pondering what makes Mike Pence tick. I am at a loss. I have a hard time understanding people with no sense of humor. Mike Pence wouldn’t know a joke if it punched him in the balls. Of course, his balls are held hostage by President* Pennywise and kept in an undisclosed location.

In the end, the only explanation I could up with is the one I started with: Mike Pence is made of calmer stuff.

The last word goes to Cyndi Lauper who is not a calm Midwestern evangelical Christian. Instead, she’s a girl who just wants to have fun. Mike Pence is not into fun. He’s made of calmer stuff: