Malaka Of The Week: The NBA Insult Comedian

I just got around to reading the ESPN Magazine expose of Phoenix Suns owner Robert Sarver. Amid the depressingly familiar allegations of misogyny and racism, this bizarre incident stood out:

Former Suns account executive David Bodzin said that in August 2014, Sarver pantsed him in front of more than 60 employees at the team’s ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. A former senior basketball staffer and a former senior marketing employee confirmed this account to ESPN. In the aftermath, Bodzin said, an HR representative smirked and said, “Please don’t sue us for sexual harassment.”

“I had no idea what to say to that,” Bodzin told ESPN. “What does a 25-year-old say in that situation? They say, ‘OK.’

“I was shellshocked. And as I’ve thought about it more, every year that it has gone by that I’ve thought about it, makes me angrier that I didn’t come forward about it. … My power was minimal in that had I said something as just an account executive, I felt that I would have been blacklisted from the industry.”

Through his attorneys, Sarver said: “I would like to apologize directly to David Bodzin. I remember this incident from seven years ago. I never meant to cause any harm or offense — and I certainly did not mean to embarrass Mr. Bodzin. At the time, I thought this was taken as a joke by everyone in the room. I understood, a short time later, that this was inappropriate. This was purely on me, and it was a misguided attempt at humor.”

It was just a joke. Who does that sound like? The Impeached Insult Comedian, that’s who. That’s why I have dubbed the Phoenix Suns owner, The NBA Insult Comedian. And that is why Robert Sarver is malaka of the week.

Back to the pantsing. Let me get this straight: a wealthy grown-ass man pantsed one of his employees? I thought that only happened in high school. Has Sarver ever stuffed an employee in a locker or given them a swirly? Those are other classic bullying techniques used by teenage knuckle draggers. Sarver, however, is 60 years old, not 16. Oy just oy.

It’s all about OWNERSHIP. The NBA Insult Comedian owns the team and believes that he has license to do whatever the hell he wants to and with his employees. Chattel slavery was abolished in 1865, dude. Your players and other employees are not toys for you to play with and discard when they don’t laugh at your crude jokes. Schmuck.

The NBA Insult Comedian isn’t just a pantsing fool, he’s an equal opportunity offender: from sexist remarks to using the N-word to hooker jokes to bragging about his own penis size. He does it all. He’s the owner, he pays them to laugh at his tasteless and puerile jokes.

Remember what Rudy Giuliani said about Trump’s ‘grab ’em by the pussy’ tape: “It’s locker room talk.”

Also remember, locker rhymes with malaka.

I feel particularly bad for Suns head coach Monty Williams. He was the New Orleans Hornets/Pelicans head coach from 2010-2015. He held the franchise together when it was ownerless. Firing him was a big mistake.

Monty is an excellent coach and an even better human being. Now he works for Malaka Bob.

Here’s Monty’s diplomatic response to the ESPN story:

“An article was written, many opinions were shared, many feelings were shared, but all of it happened before I was here,” Williams said. “Based on what you know about me, the little you know about me, if any of that stuff happened while I was here, I wouldn’t be in this seat.”

I feel your pain, Monty.

The NBA is investigating the Sarver situation. There’s a chance that, in addition to being the NBA Insult Comedian, he could face the same fate as former Clippers owner Donald Sterling who was defenestrated in 2014. Sterling was caught being a racist asshole on tape, but Malaka Bob has enemies: a group of NBA owners looked into dumping him a decade ago. Stay tuned.

I had hoped that the NBA Insult Comedian was an overt supporter of the Impeached Insult Comedian but other than a 2016 donation, the evidence just isn’t there. I do, however, expect the Trumpist right to rally around the Suns owner’s right to be a bigoted asshole. And that is why Robert Sarver is malaka of the week.

The last word goes to The Smiths:

I realize there’s a certain irony in picking a song co-written by Morrissey, but Johnny Marr’s hands are clean.