The Impeached Insult Comedian is having a hard time finding experienced and able attorneys to represent him. His current group are inexperienced ideologues. He’s notorious for stiffing his lawyers and not listening to them. Why do you think a washed up drunk like Rudy used to be his personal lawyer? Rudy has his own legal issues to deal with, so he’s out of the cocktail mix.
I do not feel sorry for Trump but in our legal system, everyone has the right to competent counsel. Money isn’t the issue here, madness is. Who wants to work for this crazy creep? Who wants to work for free for this crazy creep? Nobody.
In the spirit of helpfulness for which I am known, I’d like to propose a solution to Trump’s attorney blues. Former President* Pennywise loves celebrities and has an active fantasy life. Why not consider hiring a famous fictional teevee lawyer to assist with his legal woes? If you can’t hire the real thing, why not the reel thing?
That’s my modest proposal but I’m not content in only ripping off Jonathan Swift, I’m stealing from David Letterman as well. I only steal from the best.
Presenting my Top Ten Fictional Teevee Lawyers For Trump list. I decided to add the word fictional because I don’t want Joyce Vance, Chuck Rosenberg, and NOLA ambulance chaser Morris Bart checking the list and being disappointed they’re not on it.
The list is in reverse order going from least likely to most likely to accept.
Number 10: Raymond Burr as Perry Mason. He only represents innocent people. Trump is as guilty as sin. Perry is OUT.
Number 9, Number 9, Number 9: Sam Waterston as Jack McCoy in Law & Order. He’s a prosecutor who’s been promoted to District Attorney. He’d rather prosecute the son-of-a-bitch than defend him. Jack is OUT. (I should be sorry for that Beatles joke but I’m not.)
Number 8: Viola Davis as Annalise Keating in How To Get Away With Murder. Unfortunately, Viola Davis played Michelle Obama in The First Lady. You know what that means, Annalise is OUT.
Number 7: Susan Dey as Grace Van Owen in L.A. Law. Trump knows Susan Dey from The Partridge Family, which means he’d pester her with questions about David Cassidy. Grace is OUT.
Number 6: Julianna Margulies as Alicia Florrick in The Good Wife. Who wants to be sexually harassed by the Kaiser of Chaos? Alicia is OUT.
Number 5: Jimmy Smits as Victor Sifuentes on L.A. Law. Trump might like to have a Latino lawyer if there’s a Florida trial. In addition to his courtroom prowess, Victor was known for his unlucky dating life. He’s likely to regard Trump with the same horror as the dentist he dated who considered flossing foreplay. Victor is OUT.
Number 4: Glenn Close as Patty Hewes in Damages. Patty is ruthless and unscrupulous enough to represent Trump. But she’s all about the money, so she’d ask to be paid upfront with laundered Russian cash. Pennywise is a cheap bastard so Patty is OUT.
Number 3: Bob Odenkirk as Saul Goodman in Better Call Saul. I’m not sure a billboard lawyer is right for such a complicated case. But I can see Saul/Jimmy taking the case then getting fired like at the end of The Apprentice. Those are the Breaking Bad breaks. Saul is IN then OUT.
Number 2: John Larroquette as Dan Fielding on Night Court. Dan was a sleazy prosecutor. It’s easy to imagine him as a sleazy defense lawyer. He might take the case before hearing the catch phrase, You’re Fired. Dan is IN then OUT.
And the Number 1 fictional teevee lawyer for Trump is William Shatner as Denny Crane in Boston Legal. Denny is perfect: he’s an old gun toting wingnut. I’m sure he’d be a Trumper if he were real, not fictional. Notwithstanding his claim to have mad cow disease, Denny is IN.
I realize that your basic Letterman Top Ten list was laced with snappy jokes, not endless exposition. He had a writing staff fer chrissake. Give a brother a break.
The last word goes to David Lindley: