Malaka Of The Week: Sarah Huckabee Sanders

As press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders was the snarling, scowling face of the Trump regime. Via the magic of both nepotism and cronyism, she was elected governor of Arkansas last year. She’s facing her first scandal as goober: the planet’s priciest podium. And that is why Sarah Huckabee Sanders is malaka of the week.

The podium in question cost $19K. I am not making this up. My online friend Bob Mann had this to say about that:

I’m waiting for Snarling Sarah to blame Biden inflation for the pricey podium. I have two questions for her:

Is the state seal made of gold?

Is the podium made of Amazon Rosewood? That’s supposedly the most expensive wood in the world. I just learned that. I’m no wood expert. I just know it’s woody, which leads to this digressive clip:

Graham Chapman’s character in that sketch divides everything into woody and tinny words. Woody is good, tinny is bad. By analogy, Sarah Huckabee Sanders is tinny. We’ll extend the analogy later in the post. We all need something to look forward to.

I should back up and provide a few facts about this absurd scandal which has the unimaginative name of Podiumgate:

“A legislative panel next week will take up a lawmaker’s request for an audit to review the purchase of the lectern, which was bought in June for $19,029.25 with a state credit card. The Arkansas Republican Party reimbursed the state last month for the wood-paneled and blue lectern, which the state received in August.

“From my experience, where we’re at with this particular thing is we need to allow legislative audit go in,” Republican Sen. Jimmy Hickey, who requested the audit, said. “Everyone knows them, they do their work, they’re very thorough and then they produce a detailed report that comes to the Legislature through an open committee.”


Sanders, who served as press secretary for former President Donald Trump, took office in January. The governor has said she welcomes the audit, but has also dismissed the questions surrounding the lectern’s purchase. Sanders’ office has said the reimbursement came from money she had raised for her inauguration.

“People want to manufacture a controversy where there isn’t one,” Sanders told reporters Tuesday. “But this is something the state’s been reimbursed for, and I think there are some people who are always going to be angry and always looking for something to complain about and that’s what they’re picking for right now.”

I yield to my esteemed colleague from Gotham City:

Angry, complaining people? Has Gov. Malaka looked in the mirror lately? She owes her governorship to Mister Grievance himself, Donald Trump. It’s a neat trick to benefit from both Trumpy cronyism and Huckabee nepotism but Sanders has pulled it off.

It’s unlikely that this tinny scandal over a woody podium will topple the tiny tinpot tyrant. Her daddy used to run the joint, after all. And his picture still hangs on the wall:

Gov. Malaka moved the portrait into her office so daddy dearest can watch over her. In addition to being vomitorious, it reminds me of a Tom Stoppard pun from Travesties, “My art belongs to Dada.”

Stoppard put those words into the mouth of the daddy of Dada, Tristan Tzara. Change art to heart and dada to daddy and you have a Cole Porter song that Sarah could croon to Mike:

How about an album cover recreation with Sarah on the swing and Mike pushing her. Any takers? I thought not.

I’m just scratching the surface of Gov. Malaka’s awfulness. She’s one of the leading culture warriors in a party overloaded with them. Like father, like daughter. They’re both tinny people with a tinny name. Huckabee sounds like the noise a cat makes when tossing a hairball. That’s definitely tinny, not woody.

Podiumgate is small potatoes, but it gives me an excuse to mock Sarah Huckabee Sanders. I pity Arkansas: it was one of the last states to succumb to the Southern Strategy. It used to have some distinguished governors such as Dale Bumpers, David Pryor, and Bill Clinton. Sarah Huckabee Sanders is a throwback not only to her father but to the truly vile Orval Faubus. How tinny is that? And that is why Sarah Huckabee Sanders is malaka of the week.

Let’s close on a woody note. The last word goes to Paul Kantner and Grace Slick:

4 thoughts on “Malaka Of The Week: Sarah Huckabee Sanders

  1. Very minor quibble. It’s Orval Faubus, not Orville. As a Pulaski County high school student in the Central High years, I suffered through too many years of that jerk. He’s why my first ever vote was for a Republican, Winthrop Rockefeller.

  2. Thanks. I can change it via the magic of the internet while preserving your comment.

  3. It’s Orval, not Orville Faubus. I endured years as a high school student in central Arkansas with that jackanapes. He’s the reason my first ever vote was for Republican Winthrop Rockefeller.

  4. Rumor has it that the reason that the podium cost SO much was that it was made from pieces of the True Cross.

    …and now SHS is being crucified with it. Reduce REUSE Recycle, baby!

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