Former President* Pennywise has been under fire over his mental acuity since he mistook Nikki Haley for Nancy Pelosi. He’s been bragging about “acing” a cognitive test. Even if that’s true, only the dumbest MAGA maggot believes him because he’s a  pathological liar.

I’ve been wondering which cognitive tests he’s taken; probably one for Alzheimer’s since it afflicted his late father Fred Trump who was smarter than Donald even while suffering from that terrible disease. Fred was, however, just as ruthless and greedy.

The test the Indicted Impeached Insult Comedian *should* take is the revised Hare Psychopathy Checklist. He’d score high on that test, which would mean that he’s nuttier than a fruitcake and just as gross tasting. We’ll revisit Dr. Hare’s test later.

The Kaiser of Chaos has had many sycophantic doctors over the years. Who can forget Dr. Bornstein or Dr. Jackson? They were both willing to lie about Trump’s physical and mental fitness and even his height and weight. According to them the Darnold is a tall skinny guy with perfect hair.

I never play WHAT IF but it’s time to ponder this question: What if some MAGA doc helped Trump design his own cognitive test? He’d certainly ace that one. If he can do it why not me?

I’m basing my unscientific test on the aforementioned Hare Psychopathy Checklist, which is not exactly a cognitive test but it’s a big word that Trump understands. The answer to every question is Donald Trump.

The Donald Trump Cognitive Test

1. Who never lies?
2. Who creates the best nicknames?
3. Who is smart because his uncle taught at MIT?
4. Who is a stable genius?
5. Who has the best hair?
6. Who has the hottest daughter?
7. Who usually marries immigrants?
8. Who is irresistible to women?
9. Who gives the best locker room talk?
10. Who was the best dancer at Studio 54?
11. Who never cheats on the golf course?
12. Who does not have a racist bone in his body?
13. Who built the wall on the Mexican border?
14. Who makes perfect phone calls?
15. Who is the most persecuted person in history?
16. Who was cheated in the rigged election of 2020?
17. Who was betrayed by his Veep?
18. Who wants to be dictator for one day only?
19. Who is the richest president in American history?
20. Who is the greatest president in American history?

If you answered Donald Trump to every question, you aced the test. That makes you as sane as former President* Pennywise.

All that who-ing has given me an earworm but not the obvious one:

I know what you’re thinking, I’m not a scientist but I am married to one. And I realize it’s not exactly a cognitive test but when creating one for a pathological liar the mendacity is contagious.

Now that we’ve taken the Donald Trump Cognitive Test, it’s time to check out the revised Hare Psychopathy Checklist. We can play show and tell with our final scores. That’s almost as fun as appearing on the Celebrity Apprentice with Gene Simmons, Omarosa, Richard Hatch, or Teresa Giudice.

Let’s review the scoring: 0 means definitely not present; 1 means somewhat present and 2 means definitely present.

1. Glibness/superficial charm: 2
2. Egocentricity/grandiose sense of self[worth:  2
3. Proneness to boredom/low frustration tolerance: 2
4. Pathological lying and deception: 2
5. Conning/lack of sincerity: 2
6. Lack of remorse or guilt: 2
7. Lack of affect and emotional depth: 2
8. Callous/lack of empathy: 2
9. Parasitic lifestyle:  1
10. Short-tempered/poor behavioral controls:  2
11. History of promiscuous sexual relations:  2
12. History of early behavior problems:  1
13. Lack of realistic, long-term plans:  2
14. Impulsivity: 2
15. Irresponsible behavior: 2
16. Frequent marital relationships: 2
17. History of juvenile delinquency: 0
18. Revocation of conditional release: 0
19. Failure to accept responsibility for own actions: 2
20. Many types of offense: 2

A score of 30 or more means you’re a psychopath. I was charitable in my scoring, so Trump’s final score is 34.

That concludes our review of the Hare Psychopathy Checklist and the debut of The Donald Trump Cognitive Test. I hope you aced it. I did, but the fix was in.

The last word goes to Funkadelic, just add MAGA and John’s your uncle who taught at MIT: