I’m on the record as not giving a rat’s ass about the GOP veep pick. I nearly revived an old title Veepstakes Lowstakes but I thought a more J.D. Vance-centric title was in order. Hence Beardo Elegy.

It sounds as if the junior senator from Ohio would be the Insult Comedian’s selection except for what the Bullwark’s Mark Caputo and Tim Miller call the problem on his face:

J.D. Vance is the best bet on the predictive markets to be Donald Trump’s running mate. But an only-in-MAGAville issue might stand in the Ohio Republican’s way: facial hair.

 

“J.D. has a beard. But Trump is a clean-shaven guy. He just doesn’t like facial hair,” a Trump confidant, who wants Vance on the ticket, told The Bulwark. “You just never know.”

 

So why not shave his face? It’s probably out of the question for Vance because of how young he is and looks. The Ohio senator turns 40 on August 2 and would be the third-youngest vice president to serve. But Trump wants someone who is experienced—or at least looks experienced. And “without the beard, Vance looks like he’s 12,” said another Trump adviser.”

And the Kaiser of Chaos looks like he’s 112 with his fake tan and nutria pelt atop his head. Sounds like a balanced ticket to me.

Facial hair was common among 19th Century politicians but went out of fashion in the 20th Century. The last president to have facial hair was William Howard Taft who was also the last pre-Trump president to be fat. I’m old enough to remember the uproar about Bill Clinton being on the pudgy side but he was no Taft, neither is Trump. Taft was a decent and intelligent man known for his kindly disposition. Say no more.

The last veep to have facial hair was Teddy Roosevelt. J.D. Vance is no TR. Say no more.

You would think Trump might dig facial hair. Here he is with his father Fred:

It looks like Fred and his mustache spent too much time in the sun. Like father, like son.

I guess Donald’s dislike of facial hair is a form of rebellion against Fred. That could explain his business ineptitude as well. Fred Trump was an evil business genius; his son is just evil.

The most important quality in a Trump veep pick is sycophancy. All the leading contenders qualify but only one has facial hair. What will the man some call Hair Fuhrer decide? I still don’t give a rat’s ass. Say no more.

The last word goes to an artist I’ve never heard of with a song I’d never heard before: