We begin by thanking the Kaiser of Chaos for providing the lowest hanging fruit ever. It reminds me of a family friend’s grape arbor in Greece at which you could pick grapes off the vine while seated. It was a stretch but not as big a stretch as the idea of reopening Alcatraz 62 years after it closed as a prison, which is stupid even by Trumpian standards:
When I heard about this rant, I assumed it came at 3 in the morning. The wee hours are usually when his worst ideas hatch like snake eggs. This moronic missive took place in broad daylight. Oy, just oy.
While it’s true that Alcatraz Island is only accessible by boat, it’s the opposite of far away from populated areas: It’s located a mere 1.25 miles offshore from San Francisco. Maybe the Insult Comedian thinks having a maximum security prison that close to deep blue San Francisco is a good idea because any escapees will attack the Pelosi pad. Alas, it’s already happened: Trump and his idiot followers are still making tasteless jokes about the brutal assault on Paul Pelosi. They can go fuck themselves.
There are many practical difficulties with this idiotic idea. The details are downright devilish. Here’s a timeline:
1934: Alcatraz opened as a prison.
1963: Alcatraz closed as a prison. Why? Because its costs were three times higher than any other federal prison. Has DOGE been consulted?
1969: Alcatraz was claimed by the Sioux nation and occupied by the American Indian Movement for 19 months.
1973: Alcatraz opened as a tourist attraction. I took one of the earliest tours with my father and some visiting relatives.
2025: Convicted felon orders Alcatraz reopened as a prison after being closed for 62 years.
Repeat after me: Never gonna happen, my friend.
Why Alcatraz? Why now? Trump’s unpopularity is off the hook. Alcatraz is the latest bright shiny object he’s using to distract attention from his many failures. Speaking of shiny objects, my original post title was Alcatraz Is The New Greenland. Another day, another stupid idea.
The idea of enlarging the prison is ludicrous. It sits on a mere 22 acres. In addition to being a national park, the current structure is on the national registry of historic places. That won’t stop President Pennywise: tearing down historic structures is his jam as is rewriting American history to slake his thirsty ego. The malakatude, it burns.
Where did this preposterous idea come from? I suspect Trump recently watched one of the movies mythologizing Alcatraz. Was it The Rock, Escape From Alcatraz, or Birdman Of Alcatraz? I hope that it was the latter as it inspired the post title.
Now that I think of it, Birdman Of Alcatraz is a Trumpy movie. Not because of the makers, star Burt Lancaster and director John Frankenheimer were staunch liberals, but because of the content. Much like Trump’s social media platform, there’s almost no truth to this allegedly true story. Let me count the ways:
Robert Stroud, the so-called Birdman, was an unrepentant psychotic murderer, not a man rehabilitated by his feathered friends.
Robert Stroud was NOT allowed to keep birds at Alcatraz. He was allowed to do so at another federal prison, but Birdman Of Leavenworth isn’t as catchy a title.
Groucho Marx made a classic pun on Leavenworth in Duck Soup. The rest of the quote applies as well: Just substitute Trump for Chicolini.
This moronic trial balloon floated by the Birdbrain of Alcatraz is an excellent test of the level of sycophancy in Trump 2.0. In Trump 1.0, someone would have already talked him out of this hare brained scheme. He’s currently surrounded by young sycophants who neither care nor understand how impractical and expensive this idea is. They’re likely to waste taxpayer money on studies that confirm it’s a shitty idea. So much for rooting out fraud, waste, and abuse.
Repeat after me: Never gonna happen, my friend.
Regular readers might be wondering why this post was published in the late afternoon; a time at which we rarely post. It’s the title. I suspect that Lawrence O’Donnell and at least one of the late night talk show yakkers may use Birdbrain Of Alcatraz. I wanted to claim my share of the credit. Does that make me as thirsty as the Kaiser of Chaos? Discuss amongst yourselves.
There’s another Alcatraz movie whose title could be tweaked to fit our time: just change one world in the title of the Don Siegel-Clint Eastwood classic and you capture the sentiments of millions of sane Americans, Escape From Trump World.
The last word goes to Leon Russell:
I’m continually aghast at the gullibility and gleeful collaboration of 77 million of my fellow citizens. I’m related to some of them, but every time the Felon opens his mouth or types a truth in his tiny cell phone, I want to shake them until they cry uncle.
Each week, the Kaiser of Chaos manages to outdo himself with another outrageous action or declaration even more unhinged that what came before. It’s so fucking exhausting and I wish he would just DROP DEAD!