We interrupt our war coverage with something infinitely less important. It’s an update, follow-up or some such shit to my post about Shia LaBeouf’s egregious malakatude on Mardi Gras day.

He has a new excuse, explanation or some such shit about his behavior during Carnival:

“In an interview posted Saturday on YouTube by the online outlet Channel 5, the Transformers film franchise star also acknowledged “big gay people are scary” to him. Yet, perhaps providing a glimpse at a potential court defense, he also implied that the violence at the center of his arrest erupted only after his alleged victims touched him in a way that made him uncomfortable.

“My behavior [is] bullshit. I gotta deal with that,” LaBeouf remarked in the interview. “Does that mean I gotta go to rehab again? I’m just not into it, bro.”

He continued: “I don’t think my answers are there. I don’t. I really, genuinely, don’t. If I genuinely did, I’d go. I don’t think I have a different problem.”

LaBeouf said he instead needed to deal with what he portrayed as “a different problem”.

“I think I have a small man complex,” LaBeouf told Channel 5’s Andrew Callaghan.

He also said: “I’m gonna address it … I think it’s something that has to do with anger and ego more so than my drinking, but that’s where I’m at now on my journey, and I’m trying to navigate it.

“I’ll figure it out.”

In the immortal words of Al Franken as Stuart Smalley: Denial is not just a river in Egypt.

Did Stuart really coin that phrase or am I misremembering? Discuss amongst yourselves.

When angry people drink, they get angrier. It’s a problem that calls for rehab, but Shia just isn’t into it, bro, Oy, just oy, bro.

The bad news for Shia is that the judge on the case, Simone Levine, is on his case to go to rehab after he was charged with a third assault. I dare him to tell the judge that he’s not into it, bro. His lawyer would advise against it, bro.

LaBeouf is 5’9″ which is on the short side but not as small as he thinks it is. I’ve never heard this called small man complex before. I think of it as short man complex or the Napoleon complex. It refers to short guys who overcompensate for their stature by being extra macho or some such shit, which is what Shia LaBeouf is full of, bro.

My main beef with LaBeouf: The homophobic slurs he spewed during the fight. It verges on a hate crime, which is how one of his victims would like to see it characterized. The District Attorney’s office hasn’t decided whether to add that to the growing list of charges against the actor. Stay tuned, bro.

That is the long and the short of this malakatude update. The last word goes to-who else?-Randy Newman: