In addition to his many other shitty qualities, Donald Trump is a grinding bore. He’s the sort of guy you avoid at parties because you know that if you engage, he’ll talk your ear off. My hearing is bad enough as it is.
The Insult Comedian regards his cabinet as a captive audience. Cabinet meetings are held so he can tell bad jokes and get laughs. They’re televised domination rituals at which this profoundly insecure man can feel supreme. The MAGA malakatude, it burns.
The last cabinet meeting was bizarre even for this bunch. With his war of choice raging, what did the Kaiser of Chaos want to talk about? Pens. I am not making this up.
“See this pen right here? This pen is an interesting example. It’s the same thing. So, this pen is very inexpensive but it writes well. I like it. But I can’t have the pen the way it was. You know what it is. I don’t want to give too much publicity, but they do treat me well. Sharpie. So I came here. They have thousand dollar pens. And you know, you hand pens out. You’re signing and you’re handing them out. You’re handing them to all these people. Sometimes you have 30, 40 people. And they were $1,000 a piece. Beautiful pen. Ballpoint. Thousand. It was gold, silver, gorgeous. But I’m handing out to kids that don’t even know what they are. ‘What is this, mommy?’ It’s kids. They’re getting a pen for $1,000. They have no idea what it is. And I feel guilty because I’m like, you know, I’m by nature. I don’t, you know, it’s the government. I love the government. Like, I love myself economically. I want to save money.”
There *are* thousand dollar pens, but no president has ever distributed them at bill signings. It’s a gratuitous lie told to make Trump look like a big shot. He’s POTUS for fuck’s sake, why is he still this insecure?
There’s more to this epic QOTD. Get ready for the latest SIR story:
“This pen is an interesting example,” Trump declared. “This pen is very inexpensive, but it writes well. I like it.”
Trump then said that, after deciding he wanted a more official-looking Sharpie, he convinced the company to sell him personalized markers at $5 a pop. In his own words:
“I called the guy—I said, ‘I’d like to use your pen, but I can’t have a gray thing with a big S on it saying “Sharpie” as I’m signing a $1 trillion airplane contract to buy brand new fighter jets.’
“He said, ‘I’ll paint it black.… And I can even paint the White House on it, sir, if you like, in gold.’ Almost real gold. Not bad. ‘And I can even do your signature, sir.… You don’t have to pay me, sir. I’ll give them to you for nothing.’
“I said, ‘No, I don’t want that. Let me pay you. I want to pay you.’
“‘No, sir. You don’t have to. You’re the president of the United States.’ He was shocked. The head of Sharpie. He gets a call. I don’t even know who the hell he is.
“He said, ‘He’s really the president? … No, you don’t have to pay me, sir. This is such an honor.’ I said, ‘No, I want to pay you.’ And he said, ‘What would you like to pay?’ I said, ‘How about five bucks a pen?’ He said, ‘That’s all right.’”
The company has confirmed that this conversation never happened. It’s yet another indication that President Pennywise lives in a bubble. I consulted with Mr. Google and learned that the typical price per Sharpie ranges from $1.99 to $3.99. They’re cheaper if you buy them in a bundle, cheaper still if you buy them in bulk. And this jerk thinks he’s a master negotiator. He’s not even master of his own domain. The MAGA malakatude, it burns.
This Sharpie soliloquy went on for 5 minutes. It definitively proves that the Kaiser of Chaos isn’t the sharpest Sharpie user in the drawer. He’s bogged down in trivia while dispatching Americans to fight and die in the Middle East. It’s what Republican presidents do. I believe, however, that the Bushes stayed awake during cabinet meetings.
The last word goes to The Who:
The guy he talked to offered him other options, too:
https://www.4imprint.com/tag/7425/novelty-pens