Hey Miss American Girl

The stupid. IT BURNS US.

NEW YORK – American Girl, manufacturer of a highly popular line of dolls and children’s books, has become the target of conservative activists threatening a boycott unless the toy maker cuts off contributions to a youth organization that supports abortion rights and acceptance of lesbians.

The protest is directed at an ongoing American Girl campaign in which proceeds from sales of a special “I Can” wristband help support educational and empowerment programs of Girls Inc., a national nonprofit organization which describes its mission as “inspiring girls to be strong, smart and bold.”

American Girl, whose often patriotic products have long had a loyal following among conservatives, issued a statement Friday defending its support of Girls Inc. and assailing the protest campaign.

“We are profoundly disappointed that certain groups have chosen to misconstrue American Girl’s purely altruistic efforts and turn them into a broader political statement on issues that we, as a corporation, have no position,” the statement said.

The Mississippi-based American Family Association, in a campaign launched Wednesday, is urging its members to demand that American Girl halt support for Girls Inc., which it called “a pro-abortion, pro-lesbian advocacy group.”

“Let American Girl know they are making a terrible mistake,” AFA chairman Don Wildmon said in a statement. The AFA says it has more than 2.2 million members.

The Pro-Life Action League, a Chicago-based anti-abortion group, also is asking supporters to contact American Girl to express dismay. The league’s executive director, Ann Scheidler, said her organization might call for a boycott of American Girl’s products and organize picketing at its stores in Chicago and New York if the company doesn’t sever ties with Girls Inc.

“Parents need to know that this effort to promote self-esteem among girls is not as innocent as it seems,” Scheidler said. “While Girls Inc. has some good programs, they also support abortion, oppose abstinence-only education for girls, and condone lesbianism.”

Wait a minute. Wait just one goddamn minute.

Last year at about this time, liberals wanted to force you to get gay married and take away your Christmas.

This year they want to use your kids’ toys to make you have an abortion.

Or something. I’m sorry. I’m trying to parse it but I keep getting interrupted by the giggling fits, and the sensation of my brain melting.

Seriously. What is it going to TAKE, wingers? Is Barbie gonna have to come in and smack a bitch up? Are we gonna need to call in GI Joe to sort this out? What about Santa? Will he have to get involved or can he delegate it to an elf? WHAT ABOUT THE EASTER BUNNY? Is he safe from the awesome power of lesbian dolls?

Plus, I mean, the stuff’s been out there for a while. Plenty of girls have touched those dolls. Should we pile them all in the street and burn them? Or would that have unfortunate allusions to witchcraft? What if we promise not to dance around the bonfire of lesbian abortion-having dolls? Somebody help me out here. Because it’s like peeling an empty banana with these asslicks, and I don’t know where to turn anymore.