Onward Christian Soldiers

Christian group provides free legal services for the oppressed.

This week, the Alliance Defense Fund, a Christian legal group based in Scottsdale, Ariz., announced that its 800 cooperating attorneys have volunteered to handle without fee complaints about “improper attempts to censor the celebration of Christmas in schools and on public property.”

In 2004, the second year of its “Christmas Project,” affiliated attorneys sent a detailed memo on ADF’s view of Christmas and constitutional law to 7,000 school districts. The 2005 effort, already under way, adds city officials.

A similar information campaign is being waged by Liberty Counsel, another Christian legal group based in Orlando, Fla., and the Christian Educators Association International, representing 8,000 public school teachers.

I’m trying not to let the stupid work me up so much this year. Honestly, I’m gonna roast my chestnuts (in the oven, I live in the city), wrap my presents, bake and decorate my cookies and put up my tree and sing carols and not talk politics with my family and go to Christmas Eve Mass and try to be happy about the whole damn thing since that, as well as hot buttered rum, is the point of making such a big public to do about the holiday in the first place.

But it does bother me that a season purportedly to celebrate the miraculous child of a weary woman looking for shelter on a cold winter’s night yet again rates nothing from righty Christian activist groups but another round of phony persecution complexes.

What a profound Christian statement it would be if the ADF’s 800 cooperating attorneys offered to handle without fees any legal services for immigrant families this Christmas.

What a perfectly apropos thing it would be to devote press release after press release, paid TV commercial after paid TV commercial, book after book John Gibson, to exhorting it as the duty of each Christian family to do whatever they could to end homelessness this Christmas.

What a meaningful part of Christmas it would be if pastors across the country urged all parishioners to visit a wounded soldier in the hospital, to write to one serving overseas, to at the very least pray for the safety of those living in fear while we’re dreaming of sugar plums.

What a wonderful celebration of Christmas it would be to encourage Christian behavior, instead of this grasping, whining, when-am-I-gonna-get-mine horseshit, this nonsense, this utterly trivial nonsense.

What a bunch of pussies modern Christians have become. Really. We used to stand up to the pagans, to the Romans, to the LIONS, and tell them nothing they did up to and including literally roasting us on a grill would shake our faith in God. Now we cry aloud if the city takes the ugly plastic Nativity down.

We’re afraid our beliefs, which lasted underground for centuries in back rooms of houses and secret chambers underneath the streets, will vanish if somebody, somewhere, says Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas. We’re afraid hearing about Ramadan and Hanukkah in school is gonna turn our kids Muslim AND Jewish right before our eyes. Apparently we have no power to stop that. Apparently you read one book about Kwanzaa and it’s goodbye Christ. And don’t even get me started on the Solstice.