Narcissistic Bitches Vol. 497

Jesus on toast points.

A few things, quickly, because we’re out of wine at Casa Athenae and I don’t want to get too into all this until I’ve fortified myself further, but GOOD FUCKING GOD ALREADY.

1. No one cares about your relationship with God. Or your family. Or anything else, really, about you. You’re a journalist. You’re not the story. Fucking go back to school.

2. Horrible things that have happened are never learning experiences until much later, so quit telling everybody how there was a silver lining to 9/11. It’s too soon. When we’re all 95, then we can talk. Right now it’s just gross.

3. In that vein, tragedies of other people are not learning experiences for you, and to say so publicly is just so fundamentally human-tone-deaf boneheaded that I almost don’t know what to say in response. I’m sorry, if 9/11 made you a better person then you needed to rethink your life long before 2001, and it’s not the responsibility of 3,000 dead people in New York, Washington and Pennsylvania to be your therapists from beyond the grave.

4. Do these people even listen to themselves? 9/11 made him respect his father? Again, what on earth was so fucked-up about Russert’s life that he didn’t respect his father’s service before that? And why on EARTH, if he was so fucking ignorant, would he proclaim his former ignorance to the skies? Why would you point out about yourself that you were a punk-ass idiot? WHY?

5. Let us kill with fire and bury the ashes of this notion that we all deserve some kind of cookie for showing up at the human party at this point. “I used to take my family for granted but now I don’t!!!” Which entitles you to exactly what kind of parade float, is what I want to know? It’s not that you can’t tell me a heartwarming story about something that brought you all closer, I love that shit, but for the past six years almost now we’ve been treated to this kind of recitation of stories about people living apparently grey colorless lives in which they were numb to everything before planes slammed into buildings and woke them up. And implied in them is the notion that if you didn’t have a similar awakening, well, you must be made of stone or kidding yourself, which just passes right over the square for WIN and goes directly into FAIL.

6. And no, okay? Just … no. “How does my faith influence my judgment as a reporter?” Well, for starters, there’s a whole COMMANDMENT about bearing false witness, and I seem to remember some stuff in my Bible about the great and the powerless, the meek and the mighty, but I think we’ve conclusively established that me and mine read some kind of hippie Bible that doesn’t exist anymore, so maybe this question of Timmeh’s really is legit. Or he’s admitting to illiteracy, the overcoming of which would be a much more heartwarming story than any “9/11 brought me closer to my non-horn-honking kids” or whatever he’s really on about in there.

7. Schmuck.

A.

18 thoughts on “Narcissistic Bitches Vol. 497

  1. scout says:

    “I have not honked my car horn since September 11 as a gesture of respect to all of them.”
    WTF does honking your horn have to do with 9/11? And if a car was about to broadside him and say Big Russ in the passenger seat he wouldn’t honk his horn?
    Many people joined the military to show their respect. Timmeh fasts from horn honking. Egaaads

  2. As always, you rock.

  3. pansypoo says:

    gee i don’t know, if somebody blows their head off playing with extreme fireworks, that can be a learning experience i think.

  4. BuggyQ says:

    pansypoo, I think if *Timmeh* were to blow his head off playing with fireworks, that would be a great learning experience for all of us. And not a bit surprising.
    What this whole thing screams to me is Timmeh’s need to be BMOC. If he can’t do it by being the World’s Greatest Jock, or the Second Coming of Einstein, or Speaker for the Common Man Dean Broder (and lord knows he can’t), he’ll do it by being Way More Sensitive and Thoughtful Than You.
    This post has been brought to you by capital letters. Title Case: For When It Really Matters.

  5. aimai says:

    Athenae,
    That is the single best response to Timmeh I’ve read anywhere on the bloggosphere. I couldn’t have put it better myself, and man I really tried. This should be printed up and sent to him every father’s day.
    aimai

  6. mdhatter says:

    Honk your horn for Jesus, or AlQuaeda wins.

  7. Ripley says:

    I remember some outfit ladeling out the “Where were You when it happened?” hearts-and-minds mush for 9/11/06. My first thought was, “WTF does where I was have to do with anything??? I wasn’t in the WTC, the Pentagon, or on any of the hijacked jets, so really… WTF?!?”
    I can just imagine the “You were in the shower? That’s nothing – I was in a shoe store! Well, I was getting my oil changed!” conversations that people have as they try to explain why it affected them so very much.
    It’s amazing to me that some people need to be reminded that 9/11 isn’t a flipping holiday, no matter how BushCo and the Media try to turn it into our generation’s Christmas Carol.
    I’ve seen precious little evidence, on a national scale, that 9/11 changed anyone’s Life for the better or opened their hearts and eyes, or did anything except allow a gang of corrupt jackanapes and thugs to rip off the American citizenry, piss on the Constitution and destroy Iraq without cause.
    9/11 changed things, all right.

  8. tena says:

    They all want cookies for joining the human race on the rare occasions when they do.
    YOu know how much I love your writing – you’re just awesome.

  9. Davis says:

    Nice rant. I have nothing to add except thanks. (Atrios sent me.)

  10. cal1942 says:

    Absolutely priceless. On the money AND hilarious. The last bullet was a great summation, aren’t Yiddish words wonderful.
    Got here via Atrios. I’ll be back.

  11. Athenae, I stand in awe. What’s wrong with the likes of Timmeh? Are we sure they’re not aliens? I mean, really, really sure?

  12. flory says:

    On point #1 — is Timmeh a journalist? Is there any evidence at all of this claim? Didn’t he, like Tweety, go straight from congressional aide to talking head? Do not pass go, do not actually learn the craft of ‘journalism’?
    As for abstaining from horn honking, there are no words. There really aren’t. To reduce the deaths of 3000 people into “Let me demonstrate my moral superiority by ridiculously trivial behavior” is beyond revolting.
    I think I get the point he’s trying to make. Life is short. Horrible things happen. Cultivate some patience. Don’t honk at the asshole going 50 in the fast lane. Fine. Good points. SO WHY THE FUCK DON’T YOU MAKE THEM, YOU UNJOURNALIST? To try and make the points by conflating 9/11, a love of jeebus and the grand sacrifice of refraining from honking just proves how completely muddled his thinking is.
    Plus — what mdhatter said. How does a good xtian like Timmeh reconcile refraining from honking to honor 9/11 with honking if he loves jeebus? Does he still honk on Sundays?

  13. PartisanJ says:

    Why not tell us what you really think?

  14. Eli says:

    WWJSF?
    Who Would Jesus Shill For?

  15. thingwarbler says:

    Ahhh, love the smell of snark in the evening. It was such a bummer to see Jon Stewart lob lame softballs at Brother Timmeh the other day; what a wasted chance to fry his sorry ass over hot coals for a few minutes.
    If there is a God he still really, really needs to explain 9/11 in terms the rest of us can understand. Surely He didn’t just do it to stop all the honking? And if there isn’t — well, then Timmeh is wasting his time with all his praying and should, perhaps, try research and critical thinking for a change.

  16. spocko says:

    One time Sean Hannity was on the Sam Seder Janeane Garofalo show. All of us wanted Sam and Janeane to KICK SEAN’S ASS and rake him over the coals for his ridiculous views and bullying ways.
    But they didn’t. Why? Because they were trying to be polite. Unlike Sean, their show wasn’t about verbal bullying.
    But the hunger to watch him get the beat down was huge.
    However, he is a gifted verbal bully. He does it for a living and can do it successfully on his show because he has no empathy for his callers or even his guests.
    Have you EVER seen anyone push back on Timmeh and tell him just how full of it he was? Could you do it in person?
    How would he react? Would he get defensive? Would he go on offense? Would you see him as a human being, or as someone who is hurting our country?
    What would happen to you if, like John Stewart to Tucker Carlson, your comments became famous?
    And what would you want to happen to Timmeh afterwards?

  17. gregp says:

    God that was beautiful. Nothing like waking up to chirping birds, cheerful flowers, and white hot invective. It’s a tonic for the soul.

  18. maitri says:

    “people living apparently grey colorless lives in which they were numb to everything before planes slammed into buildings and woke them up”
    No, they lived in little suburban bubblegum-pink bubbles until 9/11 happened. Most Americans were slapped in the face and dragged into dawn-of-the-21st-century global politics because of this event.
    Right after 9/11, some ho of a cable network ran an interview approximately entitled The Reaction Of American Children To 9/11. One of the kids asked, “Why would these people do something like this to us?” I stared at the screen in utter disbelief because, growing up in Kuwait, there never was a time that my friends and I were blissfully unaware of our nation’s involvement in the foreign arena and its consequences. By no means do I feel that American kids ought to grow up with fear, but their lack of awareness, that continues into adulthood and is passed on to their kids, is frightening. If your nation is involved in foreign dealings, it is your responsibility as a citizen to stay appraised and understand your place in the world and general scheme of things.
    Oh, also: Best. Post. Ever.

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