A Hobby. Get One. Now.

Jesus BugfuckElvis Christ.

It’s got to be hard being an authoritarian dickwad these days. Your heroes Gee Dub and Dick Cheney are draft dodgers, your war’s going badly, your baseball stars are all whiny titty babies who argue about the definition of “use” with regards to their chemical coping strategies, and the one football player who did abandon his career to go to war now has a family that’s denying you the right to use him to lull you to sleep at night by insisting the government stop lying about his death. Congressional candidates are paying you NOT to blow them. Jessica Lynch thinks you suck. Jessica Simpson wouldn’t fuck you with Britney Spears’ pussy. And your field of candidates is like a kindergarten crossed with the finale of Jesus Christ Superstar, only less heterosexual. It’s not that I don’t sympathize, in a way.

But here’s the thing. If you’re looking at the vast and terrible anger that’s consumed you for the past seven years and going, “feh,” it is not that hard to find something else to do. For example, there is crochet. I’ve suddenly become a big collector of bath and body products, for instance. I’m on this quest for the perfect marshmallow scent. I’m thinking of starting a novel. Playing Scrabble has become a big thing. There are puzzles in Target that you can get that will take HOURS to put together. Also, even the most loathesome among you have families; attempt to call them now and again.

If you want to leave your house, I can suggest several homeless shelters that need people to work in them. You could mentor a child in your community, work in an animal shelter (and consequently end up with new pets with whom you could spend your time), volunteer at the local library reading to the elderly. I’ll bet you all the money in my pockets against all the money in yours that your church has some sort of service program to which your vast amounts of expertise could contribute.

If none of that compares to the badass glory of posting on the Internet or writing columns for the LA Times, if you really want to go out there and fulfill your dreams of being Jack Bauer or the Marlboro Soldier, you can actually join the CIA or, you know, enlist and volunteer for duty in Iraq. I have vastly more respect for people who actually go and do that than I have for these mouthbreathing asstards who sit around rubbing their junk while dreaming of the day they can point to the angry brown hordes outside their bay windows and say, “See? I was RIGHT!”

Plus, WTF, honestly? If your ultimate fantasy involves being some 28 Days Later holdout against the uprising, there’s not going to be a lot of people around to, you know, appreciate your prescience and good judgement in stockpiling baked beans and ammo.

A.

9 thoughts on “A Hobby. Get One. Now.

  1. virgotex says:

    You.are.SO.mean to these poor people afraid of the impending hoardes.
    I love it!!!!!

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  2. mrstrailerco says:

    “asstards” – I love that word.

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  3. spoc ko says:

    I was going to write a nice long blog post on my own blog, but I think I’ll spend my “blog capital” here. Because I enjoyed this post.
    I saw this show on 20/20 last night in which they showed the oppo research teams. They talked about how ABC got a tape from the RNC with Kerry talking about giving up his metals or throwing them or some thing. They ran it, but didn’t say it came from the RNC. And Kerry called it for what it was, a RNC oppo trick. And then to BALANCE it they said “the democrats do it too!”
    And I thought well nice of you to show us this sh*t now, but Don’t you think that you should run some GD disclaimer every time you run some Matt Drudge/Politico placed story? Or here’s a thought– stop letting them drive the stories! Stop running every piece of crap that comes out of the intranet of the evil Scaifes.
    “Oh, but politics has aways been a dirty business, blah, blah, blah,” Well that is because you run and USE this stuff instead of beating it down.
    And they have an entire wing of the Media
    that can keep this going.
    Who calls up Brian Ross and says, “Great story, now that you have done it I expect you to in the future explain to the listener that this crap from from Drudge and that instead of debunking it yourself you just going to let the candidate say they aren’t a ——fill in the blank.”

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  4. Anonymous says:

    “Jesus Bugfuck Elvis Christ”
    You’re such a sweet talker. Too bad you’re already taken. But anyway, another great observation. Maybe if we can get out from behind the TV/Computer and meet others there would be fewer asstards in the world.

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  5. pansypoo says:

    i said a long time ago, we gotta FEED the gnews tasty tidbits like the GOPpers do, but nobody listens. people, the gnews don’t like hard werk, just FEED them.

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  6. joejoejoe says:

    You are good. Very, very good.

    Like

  7. pluege says:

    Why on Earth would you ever encourage the “authoritarian dickwads” to look after the homeless, mentor children, work in animal shelters, or read to the elderly? What have you against the weakest and frailest of our society and why would you subject them to the psychotic, sociopathic, demented, violent, sadistic rantings and actions of the “authoritarian dickwads”?
    The last thing we need is for children to be indoctrinated, molested, and tortured by wingnuts.
    It would be plain cruel to subject animals to their torture.
    The homeless and the elderly need our care, not the bellicose blathering of the dangerously unstable among us.
    The 30% republican cultists of the US population are a serious problem of our society; they are an insidious, exceptionally, dangerous violent by-product of our society. We owe humanity our every effort to limit and minimize the damage they are able to inflict on humanity.
    .

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  8. Anonymous says:

    heh. indeed.

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  9. Mark Folse says:

    Thanks for the indirect reminder of the re-count riot. I think I need to work up a post echoing those you linked to, suggesting the authorities should have used maximum force to disburse that crowd to ensure nothing like it would happen again. Hell, in the mood I was in at that time, I would have thought live ammunition appropriate.
    I think that would be an interesting reminder for everyone who wet their pants over the stupid events staged down at City Hall in New Orleans a few weeks back.

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