Love Isn’t Feelings


I don’t care if these people have gay friends. Because if these
folks think that their friends are perverts out to destroy the world,
they’re probably pretty shitty friends anyway.

So it’s done. If you have a friend who’s gay, it doesn’t get you off
the hook anymore. You still have to take responsibility for your
beliefs, actions, and words. And if you can’t do that, then your
friends are putting up with a lot of crap from you, and you should just
be grateful that you have any friends.

This movement isn’t about people being friends. It’s about autonomy,
safety, and equality, but definitely not making friends. And if you’re
flapping your mouth about the sinfulness of a group of people, and that
group of people is getting shot down in the streets, you really need to
look up the definition of friendship in the dictionary. Because you’re
doing it wrong.

This is the problem with the whole “love the ‘sinner'” stance a lot of fundies have adopted in order to not look like hateful bigots anymore. Love isn’t that kind of snide condescension. Love isn’t a platitude and it isn’t a statement and it isn’t even an expression. You can sit around all you want, feel warm and fuzzy and get that sensation that your chest is about to burst and jump up and down with joy and smile until your face splits in half. That isn’t love. That’s not even close to love, so stop thinking it gets you out of anything.

Love is action. Love is work. Love is DOING STUFF. Love is picking somebody up at the airport, bringing somebody a beer, sending somebody a care package, wrapping somebody up in a blanket, even though with every fiber of your being you’d rather be doing something else, even though you’re too tired and there’s good TV on andgod damn it’s too cold to go out and get you half and half for your coffee just drink the goddamn milk already.

Love is resisting every urge to be an asshole and treating someone else with great and good care. Love is listening to someone even though you have your own stuff going on. Love is letting someone get away with something you could make a big deal out of. Love is not letting someone get away with something even though you could. Love is posting bail. Love is calling the doctor.

Love is cooking dinner. Love is doing the dishes. Love is showing up at the party. Love is taking the pet to the vet. Love is picking up the phone. Love is grocery shopping. Love islaundry. Love is changing the oil. Love is scraping all the snow off the car even though you’re not the one driving it that day. Love is vacuuming.

And feeling something gets you off the hook for exactly zero. “But I love you” doesn’t mean shit. Love is what you do. Love is how you act. And if you act hatefully toward someone, if you demean him and punish him and strip him of his rights, if you say that you don’t want for him the same protection — much less the same joys — that you have, you don’t love him. I can tell that from your actions. I don’t care how youfeel.


10 thoughts on “Love Isn’t Feelings

  1. i had a co-worker who was HIV pos. but michael died of lung cancer. not sure if he or his brother were gay. didn’t matter.and students i went to art school with. man, i don’t even have 1 in the family! but we aren’t catholic. but damn, if you can find love…

  2. Yes, love is laundry. I have told my children that many times. And often have I told my husband that “love” is too small a word, to overused and under-meant. Love is a lifestyle of being together.
    Beautifully written.

  3. You are a hell of a writer, A. Printed this out and took it down the hall to a coworker of mine (she and her partner were bitterly disappointed by the Prop 8 vote) and it brought her to tears.
    Merry Christmas to you and Mr. A and the ferrets. Mr. A is a lucky lucky man.

  4. It’s sad that these people are never taken to task for theirbeliefs which are born of bigotry, ignorance, deceit or some combination of them.
    Bigotry because I don’t give a goddamn which religion you espouse they’re all selective … they pick and choose what of theirholy books they will ignore and how to interpret those they decide tofollow. And although homosexuality is scarcely mentioned relative to othercrimes like those included onthe tablets (also relative to the disdain christ had for themoneychangers) they all seem tochoose to be totally incapable of updated theirbeliefs with new information when it comes to homosexuality versus something like the earth rotating around the sun rather than the reverse. They choose.
    Ignorance because some may actually still believe that homosexuality is a lifestyle choice. This is certainly not surprising given their disbelief in evolution and their total lack of knowledge/understanding of other biological processes. Furthermore, given all of the evidence supporting evolution, it’s doubtful we will ever be able toprove to most of them that homosexuality is the result of something as nuanced as epigenetic factors during embryonic development but that doesn’t mean their biological ignorance should not be pointed out (admittedly perhaps in a kinder way than which I would do it).
    Deceit because I suspect some only feign their belief that homosexuality is a lifestyle choice – I mean, seriously, how stupid to you have to be to believe someone wakes up one morning and decides to be gay – they can’t all be that stupid can they? However, feigning allows them to continue the excuse that homosexuality is somehow having a negative impact on the family and theinstitution of marriage; I’m still trying to figure that one out but then having been married for thirty years perhaps we’re immune from the effects.
    I am sick of these people and they need to be taken to task every day, in every television appearance, in every opinion piece, in every congregation -uncover their beliefs about homosexuality for what they are -selective, chosen, deceitful or ignorant bigotry … period.
    And why exactly does there need to be any invocation at the inauguration? I’d like to find the history on that but a quick google search is leading to far to many Obama/Warren citations at present.

  5. oops that should be “updating” in second paragraph and “too many” in last – note to self … use preview.

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