Ben Shapiro, undated file photo.
I know this really isn’t news, but Ben Shapiro is an asshole.
What’s he done lately? Good question. Bear with me.
After extolling the benefits of virginity (and remember–some choose abstinence, while others have abstinence thrust upon them), writing some shitty books, losing his job as a lawyer, and hitting the wingnut welfare circuit, Ben Shapiro, aka the Virgin Ben, has decided to try his hand at–wait for it–entertainment criticism! That’s right.
I love shit like this. A 24-year-old with no life experience or knowledge of art as an entertainment critic? It gives me so much material!
Anyway, in his second outing as a critic (I’ll get to his first soon, I promise), he puts on his special Wingnut Spectacles and takes a much less than penetrating look at ABC’sLost. Now, I must admit that I’m not a fan of the show. I tried to watch it when it first came out, and, well, I just couldn’t get into it. If I were a wingnut, I’d take the time to explain that I couldn’t like it because it was so clearly liberally slanted and blah blah blah. As it stands, I’m not, so I can choose to like or dislike things on the basis of whether or not they appeal to me, not on how well they conform to my political leanings.
But I digress. Mr. Shapiro decides to give us a ridiculouslist of the top five conservative characters on the show. No, really. He does. Clearly, we are dealing with a rare and formidable intellect. The list is predictably stupid–praising the evil of Dick Cheney (I’m not joking), stupid digs at strawman liberals, etc. However, what really gets to me is this part:
And boy is he tough. In Season 2, he rips a bullet out of his shoulder with his bare hands. Ask Al Franken to do that.
Dear Ben Shapiro: You are a chickenshit asshole. This little excerpt illustrates so much that is repulsive about current male wingnuttery: fake-ass toughness, confusing fantasy with reality, and mockery of people who are far tougher than the wingnut attempting the mocking.
I’ll deal with these issues in reverse order, ’cause I’m cool like that. First: Dude, Al Franken, at 57 years old, would whip your ass. The guy was a wrestler, and he tackled a guy who was harassing a theater manager a few years ago. That takes guts. I mean, when you’re middle-aged, and you engage in a physical confrontation with someone much younger than you–and win–that’s tough. Second, the character on TV is just a character on TV. He didn’t really pull a bullet out of his shoulder, you idiot. Also, and I hate to spoil it for you, but Superman can’t actually fly. Finally, look at this:
See that? It’s a human shoulder. Yeah, there are worse places to take a bullet. But–and this is very important–there are no good places to get shot. None. I’ve been lucky enough never to catch a bullet, but I’ve seen a few people who have. They don’t do the Rambo shit that you see in the movies and dig it out with a knife, or anything like that. Yeah, there are accounts of people doing amazing things under fire, but those are the exceptional cases. You, Ben Shapiro, would not be the person who pulls the hot shrapnel out of his own back and keeps on fighting. In fact, you’d never put yourself in the position where we’d find out what you’d do. You, sir, are a weak-ass little douchebag. Under any pressure more intense than being late for work (oh, I forget–you don’t even have to worry about that anymore), you’d fold like a cheap suit. You’re a sad little bastard, and you’re more pathetic than we have words to describe. But to get back to the shoulder–it’s an amazingly complicated joint, and it, like the rest of the human body, is full of muscle, fat, flesh, bone, blood vessels, and, of course, nerves. A shoulder wound can easily be fatal, and it’s always painful. Only someone whose idea of reality has been shaped by too many viewings of action movies and TV could be as stupid as Ben Shapiro is here.
So there you have it. Wingnuttery in, well, a nutshell.
I can’t tell you how happy I am for Shapiro’s new gig. It should be almost as entertaining as the Freepi.