I just need you to tell me how to get to the time machine…

ah, I know, this is popping up everywhere this morning, so maybe you’ve seen it. But..but…I justcannot pass it by.

People always wonder what the hell happened to the brilliantly off-kilter Victoria Jackson between Saturday Night Live (she wasToonces‘ mom, ferchrissakes!) in the late 80’s and now. Kidnapped by a cult? Psychiatric hospitalization? Gone Galt? Head trauma? I choose Attacked by Zombies. They ate most of her brain, leaving just the amygdala. She’s just a series of autonomic fear-based tics now but I have to give her credit for the timing. Coming on the heels of the Michael Jackson Death Spectacle and Fishin’ with Sarah, she’s obviously another testament to theGood Doctor’s famous utterance about theweird going pro.


Social Security and Medicare are broke. Baby boomers, like me, are getting old and will soon be asking for it.
Socialized medicine makes people die. You stand in a long, long line with a breast lump, clogged artery, or sharp pencil stuck in your eye, and someone like the DMV person, who can’t speak English, has chewing gum, an attitiude, really long fake nails that curl up at the end, and is talking on a cell phone, enjoying their power trip moment, is finally face to face with you. They mumble something incoherent about paperwork. You die. One less person in line for Social Security and Medicare!

Obama legally kills babies and now he can legally kill Grandmas!

11 thoughts on “I just need you to tell me how to get to the time machine…

  1. Athenae says:

    That description of the DMV person fits every single medical receptionist in every doctor’s office I have ever been to in this glorious land of private health care we now occupy.
    And I once waited three weeks for an appointment to see someone when I had bronchitis and sinusitis at the SAME TIME.
    And I have what is by all accounts truly awesome insurance.
    So fuck all these arguments, basically.
    A.

  2. pansypoo says:

    she was never that smart and obviously got sucked into a southern baptist cult. and now she gets to go on teevee again.
    obviously she has better health coverage. idiot.

  3. The Other Sarah says:

    could be worse, Virgo Tex.
    You could be a Tech grad, facing the news that Kent Hance just hired Alberto Gonzales to teach in the poli sci department this fall.
    Over faculty objections? Not. (Apparently the faculty never got the chance to object, after the law school explained to the chancellor THREE times, “Not no, but HELL NO!”

  4. virgotex says:

    Sarah, when i read that, my first thought was that either money changed hands or someone has photos of the Tech chancellorin flagrante delicto with an underage lacrosse player.

  5. Maitri says:

    I never thought of her as much of a comedian. Then again, SNL turned into crap after Belushi and Murphy and has stayed that way, with the occasional Fey gem.
    In our last conversation, my FIL started talking about Hitler (uh-oh, time to zone out) and how his regime formed when government took control of everything, which is apparently what Obama and his band of Scary Dems are doing. I wanted to say something about how Hitler’s empire took off due to racial profiling and made-up enemies and how the German people suffered for the plush lives of those in the bureaucracy of the Third Reich while thinking they were protecting national interests, but when you engage a brick wall with a built-in tape loop, that wall wins. Then you feel compelled to hit your head against it.
    In short, my dilemma has been whether to engage the whackos (like Vicky above and my FIL) and/or call attention to their rants in responses and re-posts, or simply ignore them. Can Obama’s approval ratings and the number of people who moved away from the Republican party to vote for him speak for themselves?

  6. darrelplant says:

    I’m still hoping against hope that it’s a multi-year performance art piece on Jackson’s part in which she’ll come out after having been chosen by Sarah Palin as the 2012 GOP VP candidate and tell everyone they’re a bunch of dupes.
    One of my favorite SNL skits from the ’80s was Jackson and Paul Simon inDesert Island Christmas:

    David (played by Simon): [ drags in a palm tree ] Honey, I think I found our Christmas tree!
    Victoria: Oh! It’s perfect, David!
    David: And what Christmas would be complete without.. [ reveals bag of gifts ] ..presents!
    Victoria: Oh, David, you shouldn’t have.
    David: I wanted to. Because if you can’t get a laugh on a desert island, when can you get a laugh?
    Victoria: That’s true. I got you something, too! [ pulls out gift from behind a bush ] Merry Christmas!
    David: Oh, honey..
    Victoria: Go ahead, open them up!
    David: [ curious ] What can this be..? [ opens gift ] It’s a watch! It’s beautiful! But where on Earth could you find a watch?
    Victoria: I didn’t find it. I made it!
    David: [ stunned ] You made this watch?
    Victoria: Yeah! I found some copper-bearing ore in the hills, and so I made a kiln and I kind of smelted some out..
    David: [ amazed ] You smelted the copper?
    Victoria: Yeah, just a little. And, then I hammered it out into flat sheets, and I kind of cut the gears out of the sheet, then sort of put it all together.. You like it?
    David: Of course! I love it! [ puts watch on and winds it ] It works! [ still amazed ] You made this watch?
    Victoria: Yeah! You know, that’s real gold on the outside. I panned it out in the stream.
    David: I don’t know what to say. I mean, it’s amazing. I’m amazed!
    Victoria: I was just hoping you’d like it.
    David: Like it? Ilove it! But.. where’d you get the strap?
    Victoria: That’s pigskin. I stalked and killed a wild pig. It took me three days.
    David: So that’s where you were!
    Victoria: Yeah. Then I tanned the hide, and I cut part of it out for the strap.. do you like it?
    David: It’s wonderful!
    Victoria: See the hand?
    David: Yeah.
    Victoria: Um.. they’re whiskers from the pig, and I soaked them in palm resin to harden them.
    David: I don’t know what to say.. I don’t know what to say..
    Victoria: Let me open one of yours!
    David: Well.. I feel awkaward about..
    Victoria: No, no, no.. [ opens a gift ] Oh.. it’s a shell..
    David: Yeah.. I sort of found it on the beach.. and I thought it was pretty, and.. a watch! I can’t get over that! I just can’t get over that!

    And on like that.

  7. buddhistMonkey says:

    ((( “People always wonder what the hell happened to the brilliantly off-kilter Victoria Jackson…” )))
    Victoria Jackson was never “brilliantly”anything.

  8. barstoolcadaver says:

    Athenae, I could have strolled into any number of walk-in clinics in my Canadian city and like had been treated within half an hour or so on any given day. No appt necessary. And of course, when I decide to accessorize my eyeball with a number 2 pencil, there will be no gargantuan hospital bill. Should I require an ambulance, it’ll set me back $300.00 or so, but then you’re straight into emerg, no queues to deal with. No system is perfect, but could they at least work on some new BS talking points?

  9. barstoolcadaver says:

    Like should have been likely of course. Must. Edit. Thoughts. Better.

  10. Interrobang says:

    For-profit healthcaremakes people die, and unlike Victoria Jackson, I actually have evidence to back that up, and I’m not just talking out of my ass.
    I’ve never seen a person like what she describes at any Canadian hospital I’ve been to, including the one in the middle of nowhere that I went to at 4AM…

  11. Tommy T says:

    From the mighty Wiki:
    Following her departure from Saturday Night Live, Jackson starred in an X-Files episode The Rain King as the unrequited love of a small town man who can control the weather. She appeared in the Nickelodeon show Romeo!, with Lil’ Romeo for its first two seasons, from 2003 to 2004, as the nanny, “Mrs. Rodgers.” She also appeared in the movie No More Baths.
    Ah, yeah. No More Baths.
    Truth be told, she performed the cardinal sin in the movie biz – she gained weight.
    The calls stopped coming.
    Her career nose-dived.
    This was indeed the only way she could get on tevee.

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