In Which I Come Through And Solve A Seemingly Intractable Problem. Yet Again.

Leave December to me & this guy.

I had a great idea yesterday. Trust me. Great.

I was thinking about Christmas, and how unhappy some people are that it starts in, oh, September. Then I thought about how unhappy some people are that there’s not enough religious crap attached to Christmas.

Here comes the great idea.

I think that the anti-choice crowd should celebrate their religious Christmas in March, and leave December to those of us who want to enjoy free shit, televised sporting events, and gluttony.

Bear with me here.

You see, it’s one of the tenets of many of the anti-choicers that life begins at conception.* If that’s the case, then the Virgin Birth is just denouement. It’s the VirginConception that’s important. I mean, if you really believe that shit, then the little blastocyst/embryo/fetus Messiah was just chillin’ out inside the Blessed Virgin for nine months or so, biding his time so that the rich guys could make it from the east with their gifts. I mean, if he was alive, and if he was god, he knew when they would arrive, right? Also, I am aware that I am conflating anti-choicers with the “War on Christmas” crowd. I realize that the two groups are not necessarily identical, so there’s no need to point that out. Work with me, people.

So, assuming that Mary had the normal 40-or-so week gestational period, that means that the Holy Sperm (or whatever delivery vehicle was used for god’s DNA) hit its target some time in March.** And that’s the day that the anti-choicers should celebrate. Let them put their money where their collective mouth is.***

What’s the advantage to this plan? I’m glad you asked.

First of all, it would leave the winter solstice/Saturnalia/college bowl game season to those of us who aren’t bitching about how there’s no Christ in Christmas. If you’re religious, and you want to keep observing your Christmas in December (because you’re not fetus-crazy), you’re welcome to join us! Festivus observers, too–come on in. We’ve got room around the pagan evergreen tree symbol for you.

Second, for lots of people, it would mean that the gut-busting, annoying-family-meal holidays would be spaced more than four weeks apart. And that’s a good thing for so very many of us.

Finally, it would mean that the Christmas shopping season wouldn’t necessarily begin in earnest right after Thanksgiving. Sure, some people would be getting Saturnalia/non-crazy Christmas/Festivus gifts and decorations, but some people would be happier buying their Nativity sets and what not in March. The retail season wouldn’t be so dependent on one day, and you wouldn’t have poor fucking Wal-Mart employees trampled to death by people who just had to get the Shrek box set for just $9.99. What I’m saying is that the big Christmas push (Ha ha! Get it?) wouldn’t be so big in November.

So, you’ve got less congestion at stores, a longer retail season, less holiday weight gain, and we’d effectively end Bill O’Reilly’s ability to bitch about the War on Christmas. I don’t see any downside at all.

You may thank me with donations. Link is to the left. Over there, near the top. That’s the one. Click it. It’s what Blastocyst Jesus would want you to do.

*No, I’m not talking about the Immaculate Conception. That refers to the Virgin Mary being born without the taint of Original Sin, so that she could bear the divine presence of the Lord up in her guts. Learn your doctrines, heathens.

**Yes, I’m aware that the actual birth of Jesus would probably have been in June or July. Killjoy historians.

***The temptation to make an oral sex joke here was nearly overwhelming. But I did it; I resisted.

11 thoughts on “In Which I Come Through And Solve A Seemingly Intractable Problem. Yet Again.

  1. That’s the feast of Annunciation, 25 March. Look it up.
    And supposedly the deed was done by “aural sex”. Kinky! That’s why medieval women wore hats that covered their ears, as a contraceptive.
    None of which would cause O’Really and his crew of morons to stop blathering. They enjoy it too much; it gives some sense of importance to their tiny meaningless existence.

  2. This interests me. I love frantic American Christmas. The sooner the stores start playing music and putting up candy canes, the better. I’m actually disappointed now that the rest of the world has caught up to my Christmas crazy, which began about two months ago. I’ve been humming carols since late August.
    So I’m down with everyone just taking his or her own Christmas whenever. Mine would start in July and continue until February. Nothing but parties, giving people random presents, and sending cards. Trouble would be finding a real tree that would last that long.

  3. Oh, Jude – I love you!!! Wonderful piece!
    And see, I’m a year-round Halloween/Samhain celebrant. It’s my fave holiday time – macabre, reflective, festive… As it is, I only get to (where I live) spend October exhibiting my true Witchy nature where it’s more ‘acceptable’. Once I move, tho’, I will be able to be further out of the broom closet.
    As it stands, my Yule tree, which is black, carries me through Halloween/Samhain, it’s now my “Saints-giving/Saints-mas” tree (all black & gold decos – but I’ll put up my green faux-woodsy pre-lit garland up and hang my other Yuletide ornaments on there), and then after New Year (or Super Bowl!) it will be festooned with Mardi Gras beads galore and masks. 🙂

  4. What a capital idea. You should submit your proposal to, uh, I don’t know. Oh yeah, you just submitted it. Never mind. I seem to be in Emily Litella mode this morning.

  5. Jude, don’t get Adrastos started on “violins on television”…please! 😉

  6. Umm, since Easter is a moveable feast, there might be years in which the celebration of Jesus’ death and resurrection might come before the feast of same’s blessed conception.
    Wouldn’t that make it a celebration of contraception? Don’t think the religious halfwits would take to that… 🙂

  7. It beats the hell out of tubas, Elspeth. Btw, some idiot has decided that having 60 tubas together would be a good black friday promotion for the French Market. I have to work that day too. Sheesh.

  8. christmas used to be ok, BEFORE OMNIPRESENT FUCKING CARLS AND SHOPPING 24/7.
    and you forgot xmas in fucking JULY.
    bah humbug. but this year a tree. i need some pine.

  9. Uh, no, not June or July. Shepherds would only be in the fields at night during lambing time, which is early spring.

  10. I got a better idea. We cancel the whole fucking thing altogether, and those people who want to celebrate it privately and/or in church celebrate it privately and/or in church, so those of us who don’t want to celebrate itat all never get touched by it. This would be not unlike how it’s possible for people to live in areas that aren’t, say, New York City and never know when Yom Kippur is, never mind Taysha B’av, because it doesn’t leak over into the culture at large. I also think that’d be the Christian thing to do, given Matthew 6:6 and all…
    Me not being religious, I’d be totally fine with never knowing whenanybody’s religious holidays are.
    Also, what’s the deal with forcing people to party during the darkest, bleakest, most disgusting part of the year? Gack. What bad timing! I don’t want to party when it’s dark and bleak and yucky out, I want to hide, mope, sleep a lot, and wait for it to be over. I wanna party along about, oh, 21 June or so, when the days are long, there’s lots of sunshine, and the weather is nice, so you can actually do something besides sit around and bloat your waistline.

  11. Down here on the Gulf Coast, from oh, say, end of April through early October is Humid Hell on Earth. I have NO problem partying during our *giggle* “winter” when it’s actually fun to bundle up for 40 degree weather for the couple of weeks it lasts. There’s no snow (90% of the time) to drive in and ice is still for drinks. During the Humid Hell – I’ll stay inside w/a cold cocktail plskthxbai!
    Besides, the Yuletide came about due to the Winter Solstice and thats when the peeps back then knew that the sun was coming back – but they would celebrate that as well as share their abundance w/others who didn’t, since the time for crops was coming. Party during the dark, bleak times, yeah.

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