Leave December to me & this guy.
I had a great idea yesterday. Trust me. Great.
I was thinking about Christmas, and how unhappy some people are that it starts in, oh, September. Then I thought about how unhappy some people are that there’s not enough religious crap attached to Christmas.
Here comes the great idea.
I think that the anti-choice crowd should celebrate their religious Christmas in March, and leave December to those of us who want to enjoy free shit, televised sporting events, and gluttony.
Bear with me here.
You see, it’s one of the tenets of many of the anti-choicers that life begins at conception.* If that’s the case, then the Virgin Birth is just denouement. It’s the VirginConception that’s important. I mean, if you really believe that shit, then the little blastocyst/embryo/fetus Messiah was just chillin’ out inside the Blessed Virgin for nine months or so, biding his time so that the rich guys could make it from the east with their gifts. I mean, if he was alive, and if he was god, he knew when they would arrive, right? Also, I am aware that I am conflating anti-choicers with the “War on Christmas” crowd. I realize that the two groups are not necessarily identical, so there’s no need to point that out. Work with me, people.
So, assuming that Mary had the normal 40-or-so week gestational period, that means that the Holy Sperm (or whatever delivery vehicle was used for god’s DNA) hit its target some time in March.** And that’s the day that the anti-choicers should celebrate. Let them put their money where their collective mouth is.***
What’s the advantage to this plan? I’m glad you asked.
First of all, it would leave the winter solstice/Saturnalia/college bowl game season to those of us who aren’t bitching about how there’s no Christ in Christmas. If you’re religious, and you want to keep observing your Christmas in December (because you’re not fetus-crazy), you’re welcome to join us! Festivus observers, too–come on in. We’ve got room around the pagan evergreen tree symbol for you.
Second, for lots of people, it would mean that the gut-busting, annoying-family-meal holidays would be spaced more than four weeks apart. And that’s a good thing for so very many of us.
Finally, it would mean that the Christmas shopping season wouldn’t necessarily begin in earnest right after Thanksgiving. Sure, some people would be getting Saturnalia/non-crazy Christmas/Festivus gifts and decorations, but some people would be happier buying their Nativity sets and what not in March. The retail season wouldn’t be so dependent on one day, and you wouldn’t have poor fucking Wal-Mart employees trampled to death by people who just had to get the Shrek box set for just $9.99. What I’m saying is that the big Christmas push (Ha ha! Get it?) wouldn’t be so big in November.
So, you’ve got less congestion at stores, a longer retail season, less holiday weight gain, and we’d effectively end Bill O’Reilly’s ability to bitch about the War on Christmas. I don’t see any downside at all.
You may thank me with donations. Link is to the left. Over there, near the top. That’s the one. Click it. It’s what Blastocyst Jesus would want you to do.
*No, I’m not talking about the Immaculate Conception. That refers to the Virgin Mary being born without the taint of Original Sin, so that she could bear the divine presence of the Lord up in her guts. Learn your doctrines, heathens.
**Yes, I’m aware that the actual birth of Jesus would probably have been in June or July. Killjoy historians.
***The temptation to make an oral sex joke here was nearly overwhelming. But I did it; I resisted.