I ain’t no politician…


(Yeah, what up, this is doc. The blogging’s going on. Thank God it’s Friday…)

When I was young, my mother wanted me to be a politician.
She thought being president would be great, but if not, I could run for any
office and help people. Eventually, she realized that wasn’t going to happen,
so she said I’d be great as a speech writer for a good politician and that I
could help shape the public debate with my words, even if they came out of
someone else’s mouth.

If nothing else, the health care debate codified for me why
I could never be in politics, even if it were as a janitor in the mayor’s
office. Here’s why:

– I have no patience for cheating assholes. When the vote
had been won and we got the “Wait, let’s send it back to committee because we
might be able to convince people that Democrats are randomly aborting children
to sell the fetuses to Iranian terrorists to fuel their jet packs of DEATH”
motion, I would have probably snapped and kicked someone in the balls. You
lost, it sucks for you, get over it.

– Had I been at the podium when someone screamed “It’s a baby
killer” from the gallery, I would have probably said, “I’d like to yield the
remainder of my time to the congressman from Wisconsin. Meanwhile, I’d like the
vocal gentleman in the rear of the room to step out into the Rose Garden so we
can settle this shit like men.”

– If I were the president and got what I wanted, I couldn’t
have possibly been as restrained as Obama in reacting to the vote. He was
talking about being friends and how he’s going to have to do more and such. I’d
have simply gotten up to the podium and said, “What? Huh? Huh? I can’t hear
your Republican bullshit through all the WIN I’m experiencing. What you say?
Yeah, that’s what I f’n thought you’d say! Nothing, bitches. Punks. Fuck you.
Yeah. I said it! I’m totally going to nail my wife right now and then tomorrow,
I’m getting up and going to get some more shit that you hate passed.”

– I never liked it when I’d ask Mom if I could go out or do
something and she’d say, “Go ask your father.” I’d go ask Dad, who would
invariably say, “Ask Mom.” Back and forth I’d go, wondering if either of them
would ever make decision. Watching the whole “And now the Senate gets another
look…” thing would make me crazed.

– As a parent, I dislike the random resistance offered by my
kid for stupid shit. Here’s an actual conversation I had at a restaurant:

“Eat your noodles.”

“Daddy, I want to take off my shoes.”

“Just eat your noodles.”

“Please Daddy! I can’t eat with these shoes on.”

“What?”

“I can’t eat with my shoes on.”

“Just eat…”

“Please, Daddy, can I take my shoes off?”

“No.”

“Why?”

At this point, I did my best not to bang my head on the
table until I lose consciousness. Watching these idiots talk about all sorts of
random shit instead of just voting would be just about as bad, but they
couldn’t blame their randomness on being 4 years old. As a political leader, it
would really bother me that I couldn’t just grab the guys by back of the neck
and steer them over to the voting kiosks and say, “Just fucking vote.”

– Speaking of stupid shit… The “Cornhusker Kickback” thing
would have never gotten within six feet of me without me finding Ben Nelson and
doing the “Are you fucking serious? Do not MAKE me take my JEWELRY off!” thing.
Let’s just forget about doing the right thing for the right reason and instead
just do stuff because we’re bribing people. For all the talk about socialist
medicine, our lawmakers are pimping themselves out like 1980s Yugoslavian
border guards.

– Finally, this huge “We’re suing the government” thing is
really painful to watch. The AG from Wisconsin was on TV last night arguing
that it’s the first time in history that the government has forced you to buy
something or do something for health reasons against your will. Uh… no… State
law requires me to buy car insurance, buckle up when I drive and put my kid in
a car booster seat. Places I’ve lived before required me to wear a helmet when
I was riding a motor scooter, pass a safety course before I could ride a
motorcycle and get approval from the state before I could drive a car. All of this
was pretty much an attempt by government to keep my stupid ass alive, even in
spite of what I might want myself. When I had hair, it was great feeling the
wind blowing through it on a bike. Unfortunately, that wasn’t happening in
certain states in which I lived. Now I live in a no-helmet law state and I
don’t have hair. Clearly I got fucked, but I won’t get unfucked by suing the
government. Or the Bosley Medical Group.

Look, the government has stepped in before on a lot weirder
things than health insurance. At one point, the government said people couldn’t
drink alcohol. It currently says we can’t smoke weed, even though studies
indicate it’s not as bad for you as other things that are legal. My state is
telling me that you can’t smoke pretty much anywhere except for in about a
three-foot wooded area outside of Oconomowoc. Again, it’s telling you what you
have to do. It makes me pay taxes, which go toward things I might not want to
spend my money on. (Hey, Afghanistan! Figure out your own shit and give me back
my dollar fitty.)

However, of all the things we could argue that the
Washington Senators shouldn’t be spending money on, keeping us alive, and
preventing people from screwing us in the process, is one that we should all
agree on. Had President Potato-head done this, Glenn Beck would be masturbating
on TV about how great it is that we’re in the Great American Century and how
the world is now safe for children-to-be in the wombs of all good mothers who
are growing Republican Children For Christ. Instead, a black Democrat did it,
so it’s got to be a conspiracy to give welfare cheats a chance to get better
Schedule 1 narcotics.

And, if nothing else, that last paragraph should clearly
tell you while I would be colorful quote if I were Senator Doc, I clearly don’t
belong in politics.

11 thoughts on “I ain’t no politician…

  1. leinie says:

    I’d vote for you, Doc.

  2. Athenae says:

    Obama did do a bit of the taunting thing:
    http://tpmdc.talkingpointsmemo.com/2010/03/obama-on-repeal-threats-go-for-it.php?ref=fpb
    But not nearly as much as you would have.
    A.

  3. hoppy says:

    Obama could use about a 10% transfusion of your mojo. OK, maybe 25%.

  4. MapleStreet says:

    I, for one, wished Obama had done a little more pushing.
    And like you, I can’t stand the senseless diversion arguments.
    And in line with the motor insurance, if you are sick and don’t have insurance, you’re gonna go to the emergency room; then when you default, we all have to pay for your healthcare. In short, you can’t argue that your healthcare insurance is your business only.
    Like so many arguments, it hinges on whether we are individuals or members of a society.

  5. frazer says:

    Plus we all pay taxes for Medicare and Social Security–and no, they are not just to benefit us. They are a tax, not a benefit. And they are not optional.

  6. TJ says:

    Sorry. If it was an actual tax I’d be more comfortable with it. Forcing someone to send money to the insurance corps is a little too fascistic for me. YMMV.

  7. montag says:

    Funny, my parents never encouraged me to go into politics.
    The priesthood, yes.
    The military, yes.
    Both at the same time, yeah, maybe, if I could pull it off.
    But never politics.
    Probably a good thing, too, because Ihate big money in politics, and having to take it to win would be like having to run a saber through my first-born.

  8. Interrobang says:

    My parents thought I should go into diplomacy, which is only slightly less apt than Doc’s parents telling him to go into politics. Myfriends tell me I should run for office, so if, in a few years, you start seeing headlines out of a medium-sized city in Ontario about a politician with a big mouth and an attitude to match, that’s because I somehow managed to get elected. 🙂

  9. pansypoo says:

    let the kid take her shoes off. may need bigger ones. or did the kid have to put on ‘dress up’ shoes?
    shoes suck. unshod for years.

  10. ALM says:

    That last paragraph on HCR was a thing of beauty.

  11. The Other Sarah says:

    Gorgeous rant, doc.

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