The Magnificant Seven (and the rest of us rubes)

(Yup, the Limey’s right. It’s all about the beer.)

Apparently, America has only seven places that are worth
living in: L.A., D.C., NYC, Chicago, Atlanta, Boston and… uh… OK, I think
that’s it.

It’s cool to visit Naw’lins, but only when stuff is cleaned
up and Bourbon Street is full of bead-begging broads. Maybe ‘Frisco if you’re
looking to see where hippies came from or not… Dunno. Texas? Tons of people
exist there, but let’s not call what they do “living.” Unless you’ve got a belt
buckle you can serve tea on, you might not want to do more than visit and buy a

Just don’t live anywhere but the aforementioned safe zones.

Otherwise, prepare to be ridiculed, especially by
professional athletes.

Joakim Noah felt it necessary to explain that “no one” goes
to Cleveland and that there’s “nothing” to do.
I’m sure the 20,000 people in
the Q who watched the Bulls get knocked around two games in a row would say a
basketball game is “something” to do. There’s also the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of
Fame, the Cleveland Museum of Art and more, but maybe he’s looking for
something in the way of companionship. I guess when you’re a 6-foot-10 dude
with a ponytail, a beard that screams “I’m an edgy drifter” and teeth you could
park a Buick between, it might be hard to find some local talent that would
show some interest in you.

Josh Smith of the Atlanta Hawks then got into the act with
his“everybody knows there ain’t nothing to do in Milwaukee” comment. (If he’s
really that bored in Milwaukee, I’m sure if he could swing him by St.
Veronica’s on the South Side for a fourth-grade grammar lesson.) He then said
he couldn’t find a restaurant and mused if he could get in at Ruth’s Chris, the
closest one being about 90 miles away.
Let’s forget for a moment that there are dozens of restaurants around
the hotel where Atlanta is holed up downtown. Here’s a bigger point: Josh, we
make beer here. We make brandy here. If you can’t enjoy yourself here, you’re
clearly damaged in some way.

Milwaukee has approximately 605,000 people within the city
borders, with a total of more than 2 million in the Greater Milwaukee Area.
Comparatively, Atlanta has approximately 430,000 in the city and 3.8 million in
the 10 county region around the city. Obviously, it’s completely impossible to
enjoy yourself at anything unless you are in a metro area that has more than 3
million people in it.

The arrogance of the immense knows no bounds. In the NBA,
there’s been wild speculation over the past two years as to how the Knicks or
Nets were going to get LeBron James once he finished his time in Cleveland. The
New York media’s obsession was based on this obnoxious syllogism: LeBron is in
Cleveland. No one on Earth wants to live in Cleveland. The Knicks play in New
York. Everyone on Earth wants to live in New York. Welcome to the Big Apple,

LeBron grew up around Cleveland. He’s an Akron kid. He’s got
family in the area and he spent much of his first four years in the NBA making
unannounced trips to the University of Akron where he watched his former high
school teammates play. Still, how could he REALLY want to stay in OHIO of all

I’m not playing the “Main Street vs. Wall Street” or “real
American” card here. I’m not saying that where I live is inherently better, nor
am I necessarily thrilled by where I live. However, for some reason, it seems
like it’s completely natural for certain people from certain cities leave the “real world,” waltz in, look around and sniff, “Is this ALL there is?”Obviously, they figure, we
wouldn’t live in this shithole if we didn’t have to.

Fortunately for Joakim, he can enjoy the rest of the
playoffs from the comfort of his deee-lux apartment in the sky:His Bulls were
bounced out of the playoffs in the first round.

As for Josh Smith, he wasn’t as lucky.The Bucks lead the
series 3-2
with the next game happening in Milwaukee on Friday. Since he
couldn’t find a decent restaurant, might I recommend Eagan’s? It’s downtown,
near the Bradley Center and has a kick-ass Lobster BLT. It also is upscale, so
you’ll fit right in and I can’t remember ever seeing a TV in the bar area that
was tuned to ESPN.

That way, you won’t be forced to watch the highlights of
Game Six in which a group of misfits from the hinterlands cheered on a team
that kicked your ass.

10 thoughts on “The Magnificant Seven (and the rest of us rubes)

  1. Here’s a bigger point: Josh, we make beer here. We make brandy here. If you can’t enjoy yourself here, you’re clearly damaged in some way.

  2. I just have to say it was awesome that Noah had to drag his ass back here to Nowheresville in order to have his season dispatched. It was better than a sweep.
    I’ve never been to Milwaukee, but I’ve been to Madison several times (including last week) and it seems like it would be a fine place to live. Walking down State Street when school is in session is a gas, there definitely seemed like a ton of cool stuff to do, and the city itself is laid out nicely.
    I understand a certain Big Metropolitan defensiveness because small towns are routinely celebrated as “real America” in Washington (and the culture generally) and folks there might be eager to point out, as Jon Stewart memorably did, that NYC was American enough for Osama bin Laden. But that doesn’t cover the sense of smug superiority that you’re talking about. Years ago – when Jordan was still winning championships, mind you – I went to Chicago. I went into a bar for a beer and the bartender made some kind of crappy “sorry to hear that” comment when I said I was from Cleveland. I just thought, you’re already on top – why be an asshole to boot?
    So I was glad to see the Cavs finally have the upper hand and for the first time eliminate the Bulls from the playoffs. And I’m pulling for the Bucks too. And the Spurs. Any team representing a city deemed insufficiently cosmopolitan by the powers that be.

  3. The Lebron to the Knicks rumor has been driving me batshit. The Knicks are horrendous and the Cavs have finally assembled a good supporting cast for their star.

  4. If they’re at the Hyatt downtown, there’s a pretty darn good pizza/Italian place right across the street, Calderone’s.

  5. i was shocked at how little there was in dallas + fort worth to go to. but in milwaukee so many little/grand things. maybe i need to google and not AAA.

  6. Well, as a Madisonian, I have to say there’s not much to do in Milwaukee unless you like having your head busted in by the Milwaukee cops. Beyond that, there’s bowling in West Allis, I guess. But it really is a shithole, almost as bad as if it were in Texas.

  7. I looked. The Lobster BLT has lots going for it, but $19.95 is a little steep for a sandwich. I imagine it would be cheaper if the lobster didn’t have to be flown in from the coast.

  8. Complaining about spoken word grammar is essentially making fun of people for speaking a different dialect than you do. It’s pathetic.

  9. Funny how you don’t hear these complaints from members of the Green Bay Packers

  10. OK, no insulting a town unless you are guaranteed that NO ONE reading the thread has ever lived there or is from there.
    As a native Milwaukeean and having lived a third of my life in Madison, both have their charms and problems. But, it’s more likely to have a Madisonian make fun of another person’s home.

Comments are closed.