Do Douthat Voodoo That You, Uh, Don’t Do Very Well At All, Actually

Really, isn’t this irresistible studmuffin’s very existence threatening to everyone’s marriage?

Okay. I’ve resisted saying anything about Ross Douthat for a long time. Really, I have. Buthis latest column is just fucking stupid, even by his spectacularly low standards. AsTBogg has noted, Douthat’s columns are as predictable asA-Team episodes. And, naturally, this one doesn’t disappoint. But the leap he makes is just stunning. It’s the Snake River Canyon of stupid. He methodically goes about demolishing every possible argument against same-sex marriage, then says that monogamous heterosexual marriage is still something better than same-sex marriage.

Why? Because the Pope. And Western Civilization. And fuck you. That’s why. You see, if we just let anybody marry whomever he or she wishes, “We’re giving up on one of the great ideas of Western civilization: the celebration of lifelong heterosexual monogamy as a unique and indispensable estate.”

What the fuck is this guy smoking, and where can I get some? “Here’s why denying homosexuals the same rights that heterosexuals have is indefensible. But giving them the same rights means turning our back on Western civilization.”

Seriously, fuck this guy sideways. First of all, regarding the great ideas of Western civilization, indoor plumbing is a far, far greater idea than monogamous, permanent, heterosexual marriage. No fucking contest. Same with the Enlightenment, or separation of church and state. Even ATMs, to me, are more impressive than permanent, monogamous, heterosexual marriage. Second, if you’ve taken away every possible argument against a proposition, but you believe it anyway, you’re a jackass. Third, just exactly what defines “Western civilization” for this turd? Has anyone ever told him about, oh, ancient Greece?You know what I mean. Also, his claim that “The lifelong commitment of a gay couple is more impressive than the serial monogamy of straights” just bugs the living shit out of me. According to whom, asshole? And why? What’s so impressive about staying with someone no matter what? Are there never any circumstances where splitting up with a partner is understandable? All things being equal, it’s great to keep your commitments, don’t get me wrong. But–and I don’t know why little Ross hasn’t figured this out yet–people make mistakes. We do it all the time. Generally, you shouldn’t be forced to pay for a mistake your entire life. That doesn’t do anybody any good. Astute readers will note that many of the anti-abortion people think the same thing about pregnancy that Douthat does about marriage. And, let’s be honest, this tool probably employs the same “logic” regarding abortion.

It’s too early to start drinking. Maybe there’s a tube of glue in my desk here.

12 thoughts on “Do Douthat Voodoo That You, Uh, Don’t Do Very Well At All, Actually

  1. “We’re giving up on one of the great ideas of Western civilization: the celebration of serial priestly abuse of children as a unique and indispensable estate.” Fixed it for Mr. Pope-lover

  2. Are we already at that point in the summer where everybody starts to go a little nuts from the heat or from beer or both?
    I don’t know what’s more offensive, Douthat’s pseudointellectual ramblings or the occasional Hurp Derp Derp column from some dick about how his wife is fat and won’t blow him, so gays shouldn’t really want marriage anyway, because it sucks. Seriously, it’s a toss-up.
    ps. I also have a problem looking at longevity of a relationship like you’ve climbed Kilmanjaro. Love is not supposed to be a grueling endurance sport.

  3. I really want to thank you, Jude, for suffering through reading that column. Now, I don’t have any reason to do so, and I’m sure my day will be brighter as a result. So, Thank you very much.

  4. I’ve always hated his heavy, pompous, constipated style of writing–I guess he thinks it shows he’s a Serious Intellectual. Not to mention his belief that what this country needs is to go back to the moral codes of, say, 1910…

  5. And yet this is a writer that the New York Times — the New York Fucking Times, fer crissake — thought was wooing, getting under contract, and giving rare, valuable op ed column space.

  6. What, no love for the post title?
    My best efforts are wasted on you Philistines.

  7. Just remember this is the fool who wrote in a memoir about his college days that having started to make out with a date completely lost it when she said she was on the pill.
    Unfortunately I did the read the column this morning and wanted to throw something at him or throw him out a window.

  8. Doubthat’s still young.
    So, my guess is that by the time he’s in his forties or fifties, he will have found a new trophy wife, which will probably be just fine with his soon-to-be long-suffering wife, because, really, we only have to endure his horseshit for a few minutes a couple of times a week (and that minor torture is still voluntary), while she has to put up with it day after dreary day for a long, long time to come.
    In doing so, he’ll just simply forget all those things he wrote when he was young and was metaphorically sucking on the Pope’s sausage and say he’s grown and found someone even better at his brand of monogamy than the last one.
    And he’ll probably bore the bejesus out of her, too.

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