Jesus With Boobs? Seriously?


That’s Jesus with boobs. Folks, it only goes downhill from here.

So I’m sure all of you good people read our Lord and Savior Athenae’spost below; if you haven’t, shame on you. Also say 20 Hail Lombardis, and think about what you haven’t done. It turns out that some religious dopes you’ll never meet are outraged that some art gallery you’ve never heard of in a town you’ll never visit is daring–daring!–to show something that might not validate all of their stupid religious beliefs.

For the life of me, I don’t know how a crowd of these god-botherers isn’t following me around every day. I can’t go 30 minutes without “disgrac[ing] the God of all creation.” I have toothpicks made from the True Cross. I use the shroud of Turin as a piddle pad for dogs. I’d use Bible pages for toilet paper, but those gilt edges will give you cuts you can’t believe in places you don’t want ’em. And that’s just what I do for Christians. Before breakfast. On Tuesday.

Anyway, I don’t know what they’re bitching about. Their religion and their god is a lot freakier than depicted in those photos. And I don’t mean that vanilla shit like hanging out with hookers. That’s what I do after breakfast. On Tuesday. It’s quite routine, and there’s nothing scandalous about it. No, I’m talking about some pretty serious S&M. From hairshirts to flagellants to straight-out martyrs, Christians have been into serious S&M and bondage shit for two millennia now. Think about that. For longer than Catholic priests have been raping little boys, Christians have been all about emulating suffering, and what do they call the feeling they get when they’ve suffered enough? Ecstasy. I mean, they’re not even trying to hide it. Of course, it’s not like they’re not taking their cues from the guy who kicked off the whole party, either. Check this shit out:


If this doesn’t get Bill Donohue after me, I don’t know what will.

That is the Cross of San Damiano, courtesy of Wikipedia. Like all medieval representations of Jesus, it is 100% accurate. Take a good look at Jeebus there. Above the loincloth. I’ll wait.

Holy shit! Did you see that? I think they crucified him because they were scared of his dick!

That Jesus was into the wildest-ass masochism this side of the women who vote Republican. Forget “why did you forsake me;” this guy was saying “Father, forgive them, because this has me hotter than the Fourth of July. Which hasn’t been invented yet.”

So I don’t know what these people are so upset about. The image they’re pissed at is tamer than what might as well be a photograph of their god. Is that the problem, after all? “This is an outrage–our god was WAY kinkier than that!”

Damn. If that’s so, I’ve been way too harsh with these people. Maybe they’re alright, after all.

7 thoughts on “Jesus With Boobs? Seriously?

  1. Maitri says:

    All I want to know is why San Damiano Jesus has a great six pack and massive pectoral muscles (say it like Ren does) but has no biceps and triceps to speak of. What was the secret to his core success?

  2. Jude says:

    Yo, M–those aren’t his abs. That’s his cock and balls.

  3. Athenae says:

    I can’t believe I’m about to take this seriously, but what seems to offend these people the most is depictions of Jesus as a human being. Remember that outrage a few years back over the picture of him as like a Native American-Arab biracial savior? Or plays suggesting he was gay or in love with Mary Magdalene or what have you?
    One would think Jesus’s humanity would be a fascinating subject for believers and not a threatening one that can’t even be raised without OMG UNCLEAN UNCLEAN screaming.
    A.

  4. Maitri says:

    Jude,
    LALALALALALLALALAAA Can’t hear you.

  5. MichaelF says:

    I’m having trouble deciding if I like these better than Piss Christ. On a purely aesthetic level, probably so, but I think Serrano really hit a home run with his title…

  6. MapleStreet says:

    OK Jude,
    I would clearly agree that a lot of traditional art wouldn’t survive the censors today (dirty pictures on Sistine Chapel, Ashcroft covering up the statue of Justice, etc.),
    But in the San Damiano Cross, I what you’re alluding to, but I can’t convince myself that those aren’t a six-pack.
    If the genitals, they are just so poorly drawn compared to the rest of the artwork.

  7. pansypoo says:

    i thought jesus had a rocking swimmer bod.

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