What the … Just … Seriously?

Does your wife suck because she is now fat? Cheat on her!

Unfortunately for many, they wake up one day to realize their partner is not recognizable to them anymore (physically, emotionally, personally…) and so while our service may “offend” some we “satisfy” millions by offering them an alternative to the monotony of monogamy.

The model in the ad gives ahell of a response here, but the first commenter gets it the best:

Here’s my thing, if you don’t want to fuck you wife, tell her. Leave it up to her to say “that’s cool, let’s swing” or “get the hell out.” Communication in relationships, what a novel idea.

Because there’s already an alternative to the monotony of monogamy: It’s callednot being monogamous. You don’t actually have to be married or in an exclusive relationship if you don’t want to be. I get that there’s tremendous societal pressure to be coupled up, but if it is that important to you to fuck people other than your wife, you either find a wife who is cool with that or you don’t find a wife at all.

Relationships break down, people use sex or the lack thereof as a weapon or a currency or both, etc. And it’s one thing to have an honest conversation about that, about if you and your spouse still care about each other and if the original rules still apply (by the way, there’s of course no male equivalent ad with a big dude with uneven neck fur giving a come-hither look at the camera). It’s another to make the independent decision that you have no choice but to use a skeezy web site to fuck around due to the unbearable burden your plump lovely has placed upon poor you.

I have no righteous opinion on monogamy or marriage as it relates to the choices of anybody else. What gets my back up is the idea that it is ever okay to excuse yourself from having to decide just what it is you actually want, and disguising it with a bunch of crazy bullshit behavior that’s unnecessary.


8 thoughts on “What the … Just … Seriously?

  1. The wife doesn’t get fat all by herself. I wonder what the guy considering cheating looks like.
    (I know, I know…so shallow.)

  2. Because there’s already an alternative to the monotony of monogamy:It’s called not being monogamous. You don’t actually have to be married or in an exclusive relationship if you don’t want to be. I get that there’s tremendous societal pressure to be coupled up, but if it is that important to you to fuck people other than your wife, you either find a wife who is cool with that or you don’t find a wife at all.
    Ding, ding, ding!
    That’s one thing I hate about all of the “family values” bullshit from the right; not just that the Traditional Family Unit (with Heterosexual Man married to Heterosexual Woman with 2.4 kids) is the bestest, most specialest family grouping of all, but that there is something wrong with you if you don’t want that.
    Funny thing about being a liberal? (Or at least not a batshit-crazy, panty-sniffing, wide-stancing conservative whackjob?) I’m okay if you want the Traditional Family Unit, if you want to be “Friends With Benefits”, or if you want to live together and not get married (because you and your lover have matching plumbing and the law sez you can’t, or any other reason)as long as all of the other people involved are on the same page.

  3. We’re kind of schizophrenic as a culture. As you note, there’s an awful lot of pressure for folks to pair off, but not lots of support for making sure the damn thing lasts (aside from magazine articles on Seven Ways To Spice Up Your Love Life).
    There’s stuff that would have been useful to know going in. I wish someone had taught me how to fight fair. I wish someone had said “hey – you’re going to argue with your wife from time to time. It’s inevitable. Even over stuff that you think is impossibly trivial, like the correct technique for washing dishes. Here are some ground rules: 1) You have to keep on topic. If you’re talking about the dishes the talk about the fucking dishes. Don’t start talking about the refrigerator or the oven or anything else. 2) Relatedly, grievances must be aired promptly or not at all. You may not stockpile them as ammo for your next fight, because see #1.” And so on.
    There’s lots of stuff that you have to figure out, on your own, on the fly or over time. You’d think a culture that valued marriage would place more emphasis on letting people know a few tips on what it takes to live not just peacefully but affectionately under one roof for decades if health permits. And that means more than candles and flowers – it also means knowing things like how to fight. Maybe if more people understood the magnitude of what they were getting into there wouldn’t be so many who freak out once reality dawns.

  4. Jay in Oregon wrote:
    “as long as all of the other people involved are on the same page.”
    Oh yeah, I’m all over that, for sure. —–Mark Foley

  5. Dan:
    The problem is, the popular view of marriage seems to be that you fall in love and that just magically makes things work out, forever. And when you’re falling out of love with that other person? Well, it just wasn’t meant to work out, I guess. There’s very little talk about learning to communicate, learning to forgive, and learning to respect your partner over the long run.
    Bollocks, if people formed corporations and LLCs they way they get married, you wouldn’t find one that’s more than a handful of people in size that has lasted for more then a year or two. People will plan their career path for years; they’ll worry about mortgage interest rates on a 30-year loan; but they’ll drop everything and run off to Vegas to get married at the drop of a hat. (And get divorced 56 hours or 56 days later, but that doesn’t cheapen the institution of marriage because OMG TEH GAYZ WANT SPECIAL RIGHTS!)
    (My wife and I have been going through a “rough patch” for the better part of two years, so I’ve been doing a lot of reading and thinking about what goes into making a marriage work out in the long run; I can ramble on for hours and hours about it, so I should probably stop now…)

  6. Jay, part of the problem is how we talk about it, I think. We say, “for better or worse” without thinking about what worse actually is. Worse ain’t a hangnail, a lot of the time. In sickness and in health … what if sickness is a traumatic brain injury, or ALS, or … I mean, we either need to think about this harder or change what we promise one another, because those are hard promises whether you keep them or not.

  7. Athenae:
    That’s kind of my point.
    There is a lot that can happen—much of it through no one’s fault—that can fuck up the dynamics of a marriage. Illness, injury, PTSD from being over-deployed and stop-lossed, the death of a family member, losing one’s job and declaring bankruptcy and being foreclosed on. And that’s on top of all of the relationship and upbringing baggage that we bring with us into the marriage.
    I’m not some wacky pro-marriage zealot; I just think there are more situations on the “we’re not in love anymore” end of the spectrum that can probably be turned around, but we don’t seem to know how to provide people with the tools to do so.
    I don’t hold it against anyone who ends up seeking divorce for good reason; I don’t think I need to make the obvious exception for destructive or abusive relationships. If the person who are with is unhappy, you are unhappy, and the two of you just cannot figure out how to make changes for the better, why stay miserable for the rest of your lives? (Hypocritical “family values” asshats like Gingrich should be derided and shunned from polite society, however.)

  8. This was in Harper’s years ago, and I actually cut it out and taped it to the mirror in our bathroom. Harper’s paywalls its archives, so no link, but happily I found it reproducedhere:

    There are always perfect times with the people we love, moments of joy and equality that sustain us later on. I am living that time with my husband now. I try to study our happiness so that I will be able to remember it in the future, just in case something happens and we find ourselves in need. These moments are the foundation upon which we build the house that will shelter us into our final years, so that when love calls out, ‘How far would you go for me?’ you can look it in the eye and say truthfully, ‘Further than you would ever have thought was possible.’

    I’ve found that a good thing to read, over and over and over.

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