Newspaper Readers are Notoriously Immune to Bullshit!

Which is good, because otherwise JESUS H. CHRIST IN A SALAD:

You keep shrinking my newspaper and charging me more for it. What’s up with that?
We’re changing some of our content to give it a sharper local focus in the newspaper and an expanded presence online, at and on smartphones and tablets. Our aim is to give print readers more of the in-depth, community-focused news, features and sports content they consistently tell us they want and that no other news provider in this region can match.

At the same time, we are enhancing the value of the all-access digital subscription that you already have with more and faster local news coverage, engaging videos, helpful news alerts and useful databases.

None of this digital stuff helps me. I don’t use the Internet.
While much of the daily commerce, information and entertainment we all consume has migrated to the Internet, we understand that some readers simply prefer to get their information in printed form. That’s why we still publish a daily newspaper. But that newspaper can only contain a small fraction of all the news and information the Journal & Courier produces each day and publishes online. It’s why access to all our digital products is bundled into your All Access Journal & Courier subscription, and it’s why we encourage you to give our online offerings a try.

I don’t use the Internet, says this fictional customer, and the actual corporate response is, “So use the Internet more!” I resent being charged more for less, says this fictional customer, and the real live honest to Rice Krispie Treats answer is, “We have videos online!”

None of this is a problem if you don’t actually value your print subscribers, but if that’s the case, just fucking come out and say it. Don’t dick around by telling them they can go online for stuff you used to give them, because to be quite honest if they wanted to get their TV listings and stock prices online there are only twelve billion ways to do that.

Give them what they want and be glad they still want things from you at all. Or tell them to fuck themselves and don’t bother trying to make them feel better about your exciting new Internet Computer Machine, because they ain’t having it, and it’s insulting.


One thought on “Newspaper Readers are Notoriously Immune to Bullshit!

  1. As a reader of this newspaper I can attest the upside of this is that we’ll be spared the daily exposure to Gary Varvel’s cartoons and Mike Van Ouse’s all-too-frequent glibertarian discharges. The best place to read this newspaper is @your library.

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