Malaka Of The Week: William Blakely

Public malakatude is rarely as literal as this:

Three women testified against former Mount Carmel Vice-Mayor William
Blakely, graphically recounting times he exposed himself while driving.
News Channel 11 had the only reporter in court for Thursday’s
preliminary hearing in Kingsport.

“I was scared that I was gonna wreck, he was gonna cause me to wreck,” witness Deborah Sturgill said.

“It seems that every victim would tell the same story. But I knew all
the victims did not know each other,” Kingsport Police Detective Terry
Christian said.

Personal accounts in Thursday’s testimonies started the same –
Blakely allegedly waving to get the drivers’ attention, then escalating
to honking and partially crossing over into the drivers lane.

“Waving, grabbed his shirt, kind of pulled it up,” witness Deanna Dykes said.

“After the waving, it turned into a lot of beeping, him grabbing his
chest area, and asking me going ‘please, please’ (clasping hands
together) with his hands, may I… show me yours,” witness Kelly Street
said.

Each witness testified they were fearful Blakely’s driving would cause an accident.

“He was taking his hand, wetting his mouth, and masturbating,” Sturgill said.

“At over 90 miles per hour, he had his penis out [the window]… he
was masturbating… and that’s when it got really, really bad. I
wouldn’t look over any more, and I wrote his tag number down on my hand,
which I believe he noticed, and he exited very quickly,” Street said.

And I thought we had colorful public officials here in the Gret Stet. Talk about unbuckling the old bible belt…

According to our friend Southern Beale,Tennesseans do all sorts of weird and illegal shit whilst driving.She calls Blakely’s disgusting and dangerous display moto-wanking, I call it auto-malakatude. However you slice it, William Blakely is the malaka of the week.

The whole Tennessee car thing has given me an earworm, so I’ll let John Hiatt and the Nashville Queens have the last word:

7 thoughts on “Malaka Of The Week: William Blakely

  1. Athenae says:

    I don’t understand, from a point of PHYSICS, how you hang your dick out the window and keep your foot on the gas and steer. Somebody on the Internet needs to diagram this, or show me on the doll, or something. I keep wanting to laugh at this story and get distracted every time by HOW EXACTLY, unless it was like a Corvette or something. Joe Biden’s Trans Am. HOW?
    A.

  2. adrastos says:

    I was too busy laughing to consider the physics of it all. He must be hung like Jon Hamm or something…

  3. Doc says:

    I don’t understand, from a point of PHYSICS, how you hang your dick out the window and keep your foot on the gas and steer.
    I’m sure cruise control helps…

  4. Snarki, child of Loki says:

    I’m sure that Blakely’s legal defense team will bring up the whole “HOW could he DO THAT?” issue…
    …and claim that he was just waving around a polish sausage to let everyone know that they have a great sale on them at Costco.
    This story is wrong on so many levels…shouldn’t it start “Florida man…”?

  5. TaterSalad says:

    This moron must have had his head sticking out of the moonroof on this little escapade down the road.

  6. Mass says:

    Aside from the speeding, I don’t even think that would be illegal in some parishes…

  7. Elspeth Ravenwind says:

    Unless he was driving a ‘Smart Car’…he must have a Stretch Armstrong peen…

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