AHS Freak Show Thread: Wheel Of Misfortune

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I borrowed/appropriated this week’s picture from Pop Culture Playground. Thanks, ya’ll. Unlike Fraulein Elsa, you hit the Bullseye. Of course, the crazed Marlena wannabe didn’t wanna hit the bullseye because she was in the throes of a tantrum worthy of Dandy Mott. Both of Freak Show’s craziest current characters are showing signs of unraveling and coming apart at the seams. Sewing metaphors? I cannot sew but I have been watching Project Runway since the beginning, which is neither here nor there. Btw, I think Amanda Valentine wuz robbed, which is also neither here nor there or even here, there and everywhere.

More freakish babbling after the break.

 Lily von Shtupped: We learned that Elsa and Paul the Illustrated Seal Boy are more than just friends. They like to play mistress and chauffeur, if you catch my drift. Nudge, nudge, say no more. The minute the viewers learn of this liasion, it becomes a dangerous one for Paul. Where the hell is Stephen Frears when you need him? End of weirdo film director digression.

It turns out that Paul has a girlfriend among the normals in Jupiter by the name of Penny.  She’s a bit wacked since quality teevee villain Lee Tergesen plays her creepy, pervy father.  But Paul is so smitten that he goes shopping for her favorite scent: Venetian Romance. I hereby dub said Seal Boy squeeze, Ven Rom, daughter of Meryl Streep. That’s right, the actress who plays Ven Rom is la Streep’s kid, Grace Gummer, who’s also on The Newsroom. Holy genetics, Batman.

It was while shopping for  Ven Rom’s perfume that kindly, studly Paul ran into Dandy Mott. Dandy just happens to be buying two of what Paul calls “every girly item” in the store. Paul may have teeny tiny fingers but he can count. He knows that Dandy is up to no good, and that Elsa may have Lily von Schlepped the twins to Mott Manor. I’ll get back to Dandy in a bit.

Shtupping Paul has not improved Elsa’s mood. It’s her birthday but there’s rebellion in the air at the freak show. Her chirren miss the Tattler twins and are apprehensive about Elsa’s alleged teevee gig. They fear abandonment and are skeptical that Elsa really intends to bring them to Hollywood. Clever freaks. They should also be dubious of her plan to bring culture, Kurt Weill style, to the idiot box. Elsa sings a few bars of September Song instead of an anachronistic song in Bullseye, so here’s a 1985 version of  that Weill-Anderson classic by Lou Reed to keep the drive alive as it were:

Elsa is so indignant that her freaky family are questioning her motives that she demands one of them strap themselves to the wheel of misfortune. Paul the Illustrated Seal Boy takes the bait. It was years before Johnny Carson learned that it’s dangerous to let someone throw sharp objects on teevee:

Yeah, like the Amanda Valentine reference that was neither here nor there but it’s better than reporting that Paul the ISB may be mortally wounded at the hands of Elsa. In short, he’s been Lily von Stabbed.

The Ma Petite Caper:  Stanley the con man is getting desperate after the “disappearance” of the twins. He wants Esmerelda to lure Jimmy to the barn of death, dispatch him, and dispatch his lobstery hands to the American Museum Of Morbidity in Philadelphia. She makes like a Philly sports fan and boos the idea since he’s mad about the Lobster Boy.

Esmerelda proposes they snatch the human water bottle, Ma Petite, drown her in formaldehyde, and send her to Philly in a jar. Stanley wiggles his villainous pencil thin mustache, and consents. There’s a problem: Ma Petite is the sweetest person on the planet and Esmerelda couldn’t kill her. She’s a con chick, not a murderer. Stanley is not amused but how you could kill someone with this face while she’s pretending to be a butterfly?

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I think the next time Elsa snuggles with the wee lass, she should croon this obscure 1969 pop tune with new lyrics:

The Diary Of Dot Tattler: Our conjoined heroines have divergent reactions to their stay at Mott Manor. Dour Dot is convinced Dandy is up to no good and Naive Bette is convinced Master Mott is fine and Dandy. I think you know who’s right.

Dandy horrifies his mother by declaring his intention to wed the Tatller Twins. Why? They make him feel normal. It takes a freak to catch a freak or some such shit, I guess. Gloria is horrified and contemplates her time as Ruth Fisher on Six Feet Under: Nate, David, and Clare were handfuls but none of them was a homicidal maniac with the temperament of a toddler. Actually, Francis Conroy did no such thing, I contemplated it on her behalf.

Just as Dot realizes that Dandy could pay for the operation of her dreams, Dandy reads her diary, pitches an epic fit and hides a knife in the small of his back. Before Dandy can track down his conjoined prey, Jimmy the Darling Lobster Boy arrives to fetch them home to the Freak Show. Then, his plan is to run away from the circus with the lovely daughter of Eric Roberts. Holy genetics again, Batman.

Stay tuned next week to find out what happens. Same bat time, same bat channel, same bat blog.

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