AHS Freak Show Thread: No Was An Affront

Twins and Dandy

I missed recapping Test of Strength because my DVR went all wackadoodle and then it was Thanksgiving Eve and there was no new episode. Who among us wouldn’t want to see a horror camp fest on Turkey Day Eve? I guess that’s redundant since many family Thanksgivings are freak shows. In short, I skipped recapping an episode and decided to take a dip in the Blood Bath. Yeah, I know, the picture above is from an earlier episode but I missed the Tattler twins who were in Chicago, that toddling town, consulting with a surgeon. Btw, the post title was a line spoken about spoiled brat Dandy by Ma Mott. The Tattlers definitely said no and lived to tell the tale. For now.

This post contains  more spoilers than a post-Katrina refrigerator, so I’ll resume after the break.

I’m enjoying this season but I wish the producers were a bit more concerned about internal logic. I’ve been a steadfast defender of the whole anachronistic song thing but I thought it was something they’d stick to instead of using it so sporadically. It’s a tribute to Baz Luhrman’s brilliant and outrageous Moulin Rouge BUT Luhrman stuck to it whereas Murchuk have been erratic. I’m still hoping that ELO’s Evil Woman will turn up but ya never know or Do Ya? A zombie Dora singing Lady Marmalade would be nice as well. Gitchi, gitchi, ya ya zombie…

Ethel the Bearded Lady, RIP: Ethel’s falling out with Elsa has been coming for quite some time. She’d finally had enough of Elsa’s diva act when she staged a hammy totally OTT tantrum about the staged death of Ma Petite whose remains are actually pickled and in a jar in Philly. I’m hoping the Phucking Phillie Phanatic will face a similar fate but that’s unlikely. Pity really.

Ethel pulled a gun on Elsa but shot her in the wooden leg. Oopsie. Instead of killing her immediately, she made the classic movie mistake and let Elsa talk. She requested a “final Schnapps” in a voice that was as sickly sweet as Schnapps itself. Who drinks that shit? Elsa then made a schnapps decision and threw an ice pick at Ethel. I guess all that practicing in Bullseye paid off: Ethel was dead.

Stanley the con man helps stage an totally unconvincing auto wreck suicide scene to explain Ethel’s death and even her missing head. I assume the head is on its way to the American Museum of Morbidity to be booed by Philly fans.

Jimmy the Darling Lobster Boy (hilariously nicknamed Edward Dildohands by Vulture recapper BrianMoylan. Hmm, I wonder if he’s a moil?) freaks out, stays drunk and breaks up with fabulous babe Ezmerelda. Talk about lose-lose scenarios.

Introducing The Astounding Lizard Girl: The shocking, appalling highlight of the unrecapped episode Test of Strength was when Lee Tergesen turned a demented tattoo artist loose on Meryl Streep’s little girl. This was much harder for Grace Gummer than breaking up with Jim on The Newsroom. In short, it’s better to be Hallie than Penny. Aaron Sorkin may be a dick but he didn’t gummer up the works by making her look like this on HBO:

Penny The Astounding Lizard Girl.

I wonder if the folks at Carnivore like this look? I sense a Newsroom crossover thing going on. Will McAvoy is sort of a freak, after all, and they have Neil the computer geek who has fled the country after biting off more than he could chew.

Where was I? Oh yeah, the ladies of the Freak Show adopt Penny as one of their own and decide to avenge her transformation into a white chick Maori warrior faced freak. They break into Daddy Dearest’s home while he’s listening to Don’t You Dare Call Me Daddy on the radio. (I couldn’t find that tune on the Google, dammit.) They missed a chance to play this anachronistic ska song, dammit:

Legless Susy was a key part of the abduction of evil Daddy, which had me pondering an eternal question. Why has she never said “Cut off my legs and call me Shorty?” It’s a classic Vaudeville joke with whiskers longer that Ethel’s.  This catch phrase even made the movies in the swell Jimmy Cagney-Arthur Kennedy boxing flick City For Conquest. It also is the title of a song in the Satchmo songbook:

Where the hell was I? Oh yeah, the freak ladies take Evil Daddy to Desiree’s trailer wherein he is tarred and feathered. Desi is so into it that she plans to cut off his dick. (This is the first time that I noticed that Desi’s hairdo resembles Joan Crawford’s do in Strait-Jacket.) Ezmerelda the pretty white girl psychic intervenes and convinces Penny to spare her worthless parental unit. She specializes in talking people into doing, or not doing, things. I hope she convinced Graham Yost that *her* father should reprise his role as madcap DEA Agent Miller in the final season of Justified. Sorry if this post is one giant digression. Actually, when was I ever sorry about digressing? Sorry for that apology, just cut off my legs and call me shorty…

Ma Mott RIP

Ma Mott, RIP: This was the shocker of the episode. Almost as shocking as Dandy comparing the cousin marrying Motts to the cousin marrying Roosevelts. Gloria may have been psychotic but she was a good Republican who wanted nothing to do with THAT MAN.

Equally stunning was Ma Mott’s consulting with a faceless teevee shrink (I guess Dr. Melfi was unavailable) and even getting Dandy to go to one session. His reaction to the Rohrschach test was classic: he saw nothing but death and dismemberment.

Dora’s daughter, Regina, shows up and doesn’t buy Gloria’s excuses. I don’t know about you but I’m willing to drive hours for squash and candelabras. Wasn’t that the title of an XTC album? No it was Oranges and Lemons, not Squash and Candelabras. Maybe Dora went to Liberace’s crib in Vegas for candelabras and took a wrong turn at Albuquerque.

A skeptical Regina threatens the Motts with the police whereupon Dandy orders his pathetic mother to kill Regina, then threatens Dandycide and finally shoots Ma Mott dead.

What does a psychotic orphan do next? Take a Blood Bath, of course:

Blood Bath

Next week’s episode has a title almost as good as I Dismember Mama. It’s entitled the Tupperware Party Massacre. Sounds like another blood bath. Take my arm, take my leg, oh baby don’t you take my head: