It was impossible to top Tupperware Party Massacre, as a post title so I didn’t try. The latest installment of Freak Show featured ghosts, corpses, drunks, another blood bath and, of course, Tupperware. I’m surprised that Dandy doesn’t store his collection of heads in it but more on that after the break.
Dead suburban housewives floating in an indoor pool screams for a listy listicle thing so here are the 8 Things I Learned From Episode 9. Why 8? Beats the hell outta me:
8. Freak Show Types Are Incompetent: Ezmerelda is a terrible psychic, her reading of Dandy got pretty much everything wrong. Speaking of ineptitude, Del the Strong Man couldn’t hang himself and lived to screw up another day.
7. The Thrill Is Gone: Jimmy the Darling Lobster Boy has lost his mojo with the housewives, which leads to his getting framed for the Tupperware party massacre. His days as Edward Dildohands seem to be over. Dot Tattler doesn’t care. She throws herself (and Bette too) at Jimmy only to be rejected. They should have stayed in hiding but I’m not planning on tattlering on them, are you?
6. Dandy Is A Dandy: He looked like a colorized Christmas movie in his green velour jacket, red shirt and red britches. I’m trying to revive the word britches but have met with limited success. It sounds too rural for modern ears or me for that matter…
5. Ethel The Bearded Lady Is A Wrathful Ghost, Hon: She shows up and disses her drunken son, Jimmy the Darling Lobster Boy. She should have warned him that if he doesn’t sober up, he’ll be boiled in a mighty pot and served with a nice butter sauce.
Ethel also encourages a guilt ridden Del to kill himself but her pal, Desiree, foils the plan. Her haunting went for naught but it was good to see her again. Old AHS actors never die they either return as ghosts or different characters. Where have you gone, Lilly Rabe?
4. Jupiter Florida Cops Are Corrupt: Dandy came out as a homicidal maniac to Regina, and she returned with a police detective. The flatfoot drew his gun and was on the verge of arresting Dandy but was offered a million bucks and shot Regina in the head instead. Bribery is usually effective, especially when it’s a large one.
3. Stanley Is The John Holmes Of Con Men: That is all.
2. Bette Tattler Isn’t A Ditz, She Just Plays One On Teevee: She’s able to talk her twin out of conjoined separation surgery, which is a good thing since Stanley’s “surgeon” is his himbo boy toy. The expression of true Tattler love was weirdly touching. It also left me pondering another anachronistic song with rewritten lyrics, you know, the Who song with the Jew’s Harp, Conjoin Together:
Now that I’ve made that awful pun, it’s time for:
1. Dandy Is The Law: In the wake of the Tupperware party massacre, Dandy goes off the deeper end and declares himself a demonic deity. He’s starting to remind me of John Hurt as Caligula in I, Claudius only with much better hair; maybe it’s that whole bathing in blood thing. Dandy is better dressed too, which is why I’m finally posting this Kinks klassic:
Wait a minute. That was Herman’s Fucking Hermits, not the Kinks. Peter Noone is no Ray Davies, but he does look dapper in that mustard colored jacket. Here’s the real deal:
How was that for a fine and dandy ending?