Unpopular Holiday Opinions

In no particular order:

1. I love that Mariah Carey “all I want for Christmas is your sex basically” song.

2. I fucking hate Christmas songs by Paul McCartney, the Jackson 5, anyone who was on American Idol, and (with the exceptions of #1 and Joni Mitchell/the Indigo Girls singing “River”) anything composed or recorded after 1950.

3. Fruitcake is actually kind of great.

4. You can put as much inflatable and/or plastic holiday shit on your lawn as you want, but I will judge you if you cross genres. It is either Winnie the Pooh, Santa, the Nativity, Little Drummer Boys, or Mickey Mouse. NOT ALL OF THEM. You do not get all of the things.

5. Real tree, bitches.

6. The ultimate Christmas movie for me is the Winona Ryder version of Little Women. Because if there was a more perfect cast/set/soundtrack I don’t know what it was.

7. I do not make 50 kinds of Christmas cookies and I think elaborately decorated ones are kind of a waste of time, honestly. People gon’ eat that shit. I make usually about three kinds of cookies and this year I’ll be lucky to get any made at all.

8. Advent is like my religious booty call. I know He’s a bad idea, but Jesus changed my ringtone to O Come O Come Emmanuel and I’m weak.

9. A lot of Christmas decorations look stupid without snow on the ground. I’m looking at you, giant inflatable sleigh with eight giant inflatable reindeer.

10. The Rankin-Bass animations creep me the fuck out, and by the way, just fuck Frosty the Snowman in general.

Feel free to add your own in the comments.

A.

15 thoughts on “Unpopular Holiday Opinions

  1. danps says:

    Re: #1, sexiest Christmas song ever is “Who Needs Mistletoe”

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JBuIWB8f6Ms

    Also, Julie Roberts goddamn.

  2. mellowjohn says:

    Generally hate Xmas music, but I’m partial to the Pretenders’ “2000 Miles,” Dropkick Murphys’ “The Season’s Upon Us,” and “Fairytale of New York” by the Pogues.

  3. M31 says:

    double yes on the creepy old Christmas specials

    Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer’s dad says this, when the little girl deer wants to help: “No — this is MAN’S work”

    FUCK YOU REINDEER DAD

    However, the Grinch cartoon is the best piece of art in cinematic history.

  4. pr2tf2ll says:

    Fuck “A Christmas Story.” This is probably because I never saw it as a kid, so I don’t have fond memories of watching a national TV broadcast that makes fun of Asians saying “la”, but seriously it’s 2014, let that shit die.

  5. montag47 says:

    Umm, the webs of blue miniature outdoor lights do not look like icicles, and even if they did, the effect is pretty much destroyed by the skeletons and cobwebs in the front window still up from Halloween. The Romney/Palin election sign in the front yard doesn’t help, either.

    Rhyming “holly,” “jolly” and “bygolly” is a crime against nature.

    Would we have been spared pink aluminum Christmas trees–you know, the ones with the spiky things coming out of the branches that look like Tralfamadoran genitalia–had someone had the good sense and decency to shove the prototype up the inventor’s ass?

    Did you know that “Santa Claus” in Chinese is “Christmas Old Man?” And that he’s most often portrayed in China playing a saxophone? Well, now you do.

  6. joel hanes says:

    Could never understand attraction of Rankin/Bass animated shows.
    Bad storytelling, bad cinematography, bad everything. Simply awful.

    Especially the narrator/singer. Burl Ives popularized “Holly Jolly Christmas”, almost the worst Christmas song. (Percy Faith doing “The Little Drummer Boy” is the worst.)

    Love “A Christmas Story”, even though it conflates the American culture for at least three different decades into a single nostalgic past. I knew a kid who froze the tip of his tongue to a steel swingset pole. I was actually given a Daisy 200-shot BB gun for Christmas. But most of all, my mental life was as untethered from reality as Ralphie’s.

    Less-than-50-year-old Christmas music worth listening to:
    Pentatonix “That’s Cristmas to me” and “Ptxmas” (all a capella, but doesn’t sound like it)
    The Roches Christmas album
    Robert Shaw working with the Atlanta symphony & chorus
    John Rutter working with anyone

  7. kaleberg says:

    I’ll second you on fruitcake. A real fruitcake made with dried fruit, not those synthetic glow in the dark candied cherries is a wonder, and you can use the left overs, if any, to make a kick ass ice cream in the warmer months, so save them.

    I’ll also go with real trees. We have two of the things and yards of roping. Our house looks like a pagan grove.

    On the other hand, Rudolph is our Christmas camp favorite, right up there with Mr. Magoo’s Christmas Carol. Hey, girl reindeer do have longer eyelashes. That’s how you can tell. It’s their Latisse metabolism. Besides, we love Yukon Cornelius, his sled dogs, and Bumbles. We loathe It’s a Wonderful Life. For real Christmas spirit though, watch Christmas in Connecticut. We’re amazed that there’s never been a remake.

    We have no problem with genre mixing Christmas decorations. We don’t do it, but we saw a wonderful exhibit of traditional West African religious art which made great use of genre mixing. All religion is syncretic, even if people lie about it. Christianity is syncretic. Christmas is syncretic. Mix it up. See if you can find all the genres in the nativity story. Tibetan Buddhists still have wise men following stars to find their new lamas. WTF

    I’ll add another vote for the Roche’s album. Also, check out A Very Special Christmas. Madonna does a great Santa Baby and Springsteen does a good Merry Christmas Baby. Lots of Christmas babies.

    • iconoclast59 says:

      “We’re amazed that there’s never been a remake (of Christmas in Connecticut).”

      Actually, kaleberg, there was a made-for-TV remake in the early ’90s, with Dyan Cannon in the Barbara Stanwyk role, directed by Arnold Schwarzenegger of all people. Yes, it was as awful as it sounds, as evidenced by the trailer here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iTcn_fkq6NQ

  8. joel hanes says:

    I was very young when Mr. Magoo’s _Carol_ played every Christmas.

    I was a sullen pre-teen when the Rankin/Bass _Rudolph_ aired.

    That’s why Mr. Magoo is a classic, and _Rudolph_ suxxors.

    (Well, that and quality of storytelling, literary value of the underlying story, sense of humor, quality of narration, and quality of music. There are no lines in Rudolph to compare with “Razzleberry Dressing”. I will give you that the collectible figurines for Rudolph are cute, while there are no such figurines for McGoo.)

  9. hobbular says:

    If you’re going to do the “ugly Christmas sweater” thing, it’s really best when hand-made (by you or someone you know). I have a lot more respect for this than for this, regardless of content – ugly Christmas sweaters should be labors of looooove.

    This is only part the reason I’m making Jude a sweater this year… >.>

  10. pansypoo says:

    the ONLY thing good is the peppermint bark + stollen. i USED to like xmas. BEFORE CRAPITALISM + ONE WEEK OF SONGS TO TWO FUCKING MONTHS. there is a REASON FOR ! WEEK. i HATE rum, therefore, no fruitcake, unless i find a non rum version. now no dentist appts after halloween. the war on Christmas is dead. santa won.

  11. Robert Earle says:

    I’m not sure I understand the ‘like Mariah/nothing recorded after 1950’ divergence, when the Mariah song draws SO heavily on Phil Spector. How does one like Mariah, and not also like – for example – Darlene Love “Marshmallow World” and “Christmas (Baby Pleae Come Home)?

  12. iconoclast59 says:

    Speaking of Christmas songs, I have a completely irrational love for the James Brown Funky Christmas album, considering that I’m a white woman who’s spent her life in suburbia. Songs like “Go Power at Christmas Time” have me grinning ear to ear at the sheer funkaliciousness of it all. Listen for yourself here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KnL0RcAgE0c&list=PLoSoYZTkLMZc0_8qTtlVK6HtytwB0qJAc

  13. Jill says:

    I loathe “It’s a Wonderful Life” and have never been able to watch more than a half hour of it.

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