Don’t “sexually charge” your interns: Missouri Statehouse Edition

(Ed. Note: I prefer to go with the simpler “Don’t Fuck Your Interns” mantra, but as it is not yet clear if there was “old-man-on-top, get-it-over-with-quick-before-my-wife-gets-here” actions, I will stick with the term “sexually charged” for references to this debacle. I will do this even though it sounds like John Diehl got caught with his dick in an electrical outlet. — Doc.)

Don’t get all “sexually charged” with your interns.

I think I’ve said some version of this about 1,002 times on this blog alone, but apparently John Diehl wasn’t reading us. The Missouri Speaker of the House stepped down the other day after the KC Star revealed he had engaged in a “sexually charged” texting scandal with a 19-year-old intern.

Some have referred to this as “sexting,” which is apparently true as Katie Graham sent Diehl at least one bikini shot. Diehl then explained how he was in bed looking at her photo, wishing he could “have her.” She replied that she wished for that as well. Other exchanges have similar innuendo, ranging from the “satisfy” and “take care of me” jokes to the “can’t stop” side winks. Add that to the emojis and, well, you get the idea. Others have referred to this as a “tryst,” which seems a bit beyond what can be proven at this point. What’s odd is that, although it’s hard to believe that the sexual tension only went on in cyberspace, no one has definitively published a “Monica Moment” for the now-departed speaker.

Not that anyone’s asking for one…

And probably most of us are praying that we never have to hear about it…

I’ve covered murders, car wrecks and fires. I’ve seen disasters and I’ve read through Jeffrey Dahmer’s police report. I’ve managed pretty well, but the idea of this “family values” shithead working into a sexual lather with a kid who is probably younger than at least one of his own children is enough to make me shake like a junkie who swears roaches are crawling under his skin.

It’s not just that the guy makes Wooderson from “Dazed and Confused” look normal by comparison.

It’s not just that at the age of 49, he’s 30-some years older than she is.

It’s not just that this guy is all “family values” one minute and Horny the Elf the next minute. (“I have exercised poor judgment” is apparently the new way of saying, “Whoops, you caught me.”)

It’s that I can’t fathom the idea that a) he didn’t think he’d be caught, b) he didn’t watch at least some TV in the 1990s, when Bill Clinton spent a year on public display for a blowjob, c) he would think ANYTHING good would come of this.

Anyone out there in FD-land ever fuck an intern and end up getting something positive out of it? (Other than maybe a VD test?)

Anyone go home to a spouse and say, “Honey, I banged that new kid in my office” and have your spouse say, “Well, that’s great! Let me try to out-do him/her!” or words to that effect?

I come to this castigation from two perspectives: Having been young and horny and having been old and surrounded by younger people.

First, I don’t know why, but I really don’t blame Graham for this as much as I probably should. Part of me thinks that I should be upset with her and her behavior. She’s an adult, capable of voting, going to war and getting a marriage license. It’s not like Diehl enticed her to come into his van with promises of a Fun Dip or something. She was taking part in this, so it wasn’t as if he was forcing this on her with her begging for him to leave. I would also be really pissed if I were one of the other interns in the program. They all got yanked out of the Capitol because of this twisted Daddy-Daughter Dinner Date.

Still, I remember being this age and the adrenaline of awesome college opportunities. Between the freedom of college, the chances to do new things and my own libido, I think I once almost fucked a stop sign. The pre-Internet days of fucking up sexually, racially or any other way that is really low on the social-approval scale and living to tell about it are long gone. Whenever I hear that the university is thinking about scanning and archiving my old college newspaper, I get hives thinking, “What kind of stupid shit did I write when I was 20 that could come back to haunt me?” As long as she doesn’t try to turn her newly found fame in to “Dig Me! 2.0,” I (and most people) will probably be fairly likely to give her a pseudo-pass.

Second, I spent my whole adult life around college students and I have some how managed to not fuck one of them. Oddly enough, despite what Diehl seems to be indicating, it’s not that hard to do. I get angsty just thinking about one of them thinking about me in any way other than, “Hey, that’s my professor. He’s a pretty good guy and he’s kind of funny.” One year, many eons ago, a student asked me to meet her about an internship letter. When I did, I found her telling me that she was attracted to me and wanted to date me. I laughed at first, thinking this was something one of my friends set up. She persisted. I got the hell out of there, reported it to three people and stayed way the hell away from her until she graduated.

I think she’s still in my “Facebook Friend Request” queue for going on five years now. I delete her from time to time and she pops back up.

Again, a case of the hives…

But if you don’t have the “Danger, Danger Will Robinson” sense about you, or if you can’t just see these kids as androgynous little food tubes that take in caffeine and shit out homework, it is still possible for you to avoid getting all “sexually charged” with your interns and ruining your life.

A) Don’t think about them as a smorgasbord of pussy that’s set out in front of you

B) Focus on helping them in the way you were meant to, not in the way porn seems to indicate all college students want to be helped

C) Put their lives in perspective: When you were their age, they weren’t even sperm.

If none of that helps, may I suggest a quiet room and some fantasy porn? Feel free to rub one out as you watch the “young girl who needs guidance” stuff or the “boss gives it to the new secretary” stuff. It’s everywhere online, it’s mostly free and you probably won’t have to rebuild your entire life as a result.

11 thoughts on “Don’t “sexually charge” your interns: Missouri Statehouse Edition

  1. It’s a good thing I’m not the kind of person who would read, “I spent my whole adult life around college students and I have some how managed to not fuck one of them,” and think, “Which one didn’t he fuck, and how does that person feel to be left out?”

    A very good thing.

  2. gratuitous is on grammar patrol. 🙂

    I read this and thought, “Smorgasbord of Pussy” would make an excellent Pussycat Dolls tribute band.

    And also: Feelings are not a mandate to smash your genitals together. People get inappropriate crushes on each other all the time. If you are in a situation where acting on that is not acceptable, ie you have promised to keep you only unto someone else, then you go home, have a drink, take a shower, and try not to text that person as much anymore. This isn’t rocket science.


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