No. NO NO NO NO NO NO. No no no. NO God Damn It.

I will trade you six of Dick Cheney and 47 of every single other member of the Bush administration for Jimmy Fucking Carter, this is not fair: 

Washington (CNN)Former President Jimmy Carter has cancer, and it has spread to other parts of his body, he announced Wednesday.

Carter, 90, had a “small mass” removed from his liver during surgery earlier this month. At the time, he received a prognosis for a full recovery.

But he said Wednesday in a brief statement that “recent liver surgery revealed that I have cancer that now is in other parts of my body.”

And yes, I know he is 497 years old and still does more before breakfast than I do all day long, so maybe he has earned a rest but fuck you, cancer, just fuck you, why can’t you go visit someone who sucks? Why can’t you go visit someone who deserves you, and not Jimmy Carter, or friends of mine, or their goddamn kids, or people who never hurt a fly in their lives? Why can’t you visit yourself upon the bodies of all those who got fat and rich on the wars of this generation? Or at least on people who don’t spend what anyone could reasonably expect to be the waning decades of his life building houses for poor people? What the fuck kind of sick asshole are you, anyway?

This bothers me immeasurably, and it’s not like I’m unfamiliar with the fundamental doctrine of the Old Testament which is You Love Me HAHAHAHAHA How Stupid Are You, but sometimes the universe is enough of a dick to shock even me. Jimmy Carter deserves to die in his sleep, painlessly, when he is goddamn good and ready and not a minute before. And then he should lie in state for a month so America has time to fucking apologize.

Fuck you, cancer. I hope Jimmy kicks your stupid ass.