I try to be a helpful person. I’ve helped the odd little old lady cross the street without once getting handbagged. And I never, ever park in handicapped spaces. In that spirit of helpful generosity, I have the perfect theme song for the Vitter campaign. It may be old but it’s tough, aggressive, and downright vicious just like the candidate.
It’s I’m The Slime written by Frank Zappa and originally recorded with the Mothers in 1973. Dig these lyrics, Dave, baby:
I am gross and perverted
I’m obsessed and deranged
I have existed for years
But very little has changed
I’m the tool of the Government
And industry too
For I am destined to rule
And regulate youI may be vile and pernicious
But you can’t look away
I make you think I’m delicious
With the stuff that I say
I’m the best you can get
Have you guessed me yet?
I’m the slime oozin’ out
From your TV setYou will obey me while I lead you
And eat the garbage that I feed you
Until the day that we don’t need you
Don’t go for help . . . no one will heed you
Your mind is totally controlled
It has been stuffed into my mold
And you will do as you are told
Until the rights to you are soldThat’s right, folks . . .
Don’t touch that dialWell, I am the slime from your video
Oozin’ along on your livin’ room floorI am the slime from your video
Can’t stop the slime, people, lookit me go
It’s winner, Dave, just like you. Sure Zappa was an anti-censorship lefty and his late wife Gail was a major contributor to Democratic politics but the lyrics are *so* you.
The tune is catchier than herpes. Just imagine hitting the stage with the original Mothers version rocking the house, Dave. You can even use the title of the album it came from to denounce your foe: John Bel Edwards is NO Over-Nite Sensation, or better yet, call him an Obama-Nite Sensation. One song from that LP you should skip, Dave, is Dinah-Moe Humm. It has pretty racy lyrics so people might think it’s about Wendy Three Names and you wouldn’t want that. “What do you mean, cooties? No cooties on me.”
Additionally, I offer the image below as a possible campaign poster. I don’t own the picture but you believe in free market economics and it’s free on the internet. Not only that, it was taken on the taxpayers’ dime, which makes it an official photograph for an officious candidate. You look mighty dapper, Diaper Dave:
