I originally didn’t plan to write a Super Tuesday wrap-up post but it was such a surreal evening that I had no choice. Besides, I was able to re-use my favorite Marco Rubio pun so how could I resist? It was futile, y’all. I like it almost as much as this one: the Borg, Bjorn again. Puns are my racket, what can I tell ya?
I’m not sure what to call Marcobot Rubiodroid’s speech other than delusional. Little Marco was 0-14 at the time he gave it; I didn’t know he pitched for the ’62 Mets. I have never seen a winless candidate give a victory speech before. I didn’t hear most of it: I was laughing too hard. Little Marco finally won one in Minnesota whose Republican party is best known for perennial Presidential candidate Harold Stassen, and perennial nutjob Michelle Bachmann. So, now Marcobot is 1-14; one of the Twitterazzi nailed why he won the Gopher State caucus:
That’s, of course, William H. Macy’s sleazy-n-dweeby car salesman character in Fargo. He’s the ultimate Beta male. Speaking of which, the whole Chris Christie held hostage by the Insult Comedian thing was almost as bizarre as Little Marco’s delusionfest. Once again, one of the Twitter people nailed it:
Christie looked deeply uncomfortable as if Trump had pantsed him, stuck him in his locker, *and* given him a dirty swirly; the bully’s trifecta. I halfway expected the Insult Comedian to flog Gov. Asshole and start belting out Mondo Bondage:
Trump tried to look Presidential in victory, but couldn’t resist trading dick jokes with Little Marco. And these bozos want to be the next Oval One. Puh-leeze.
Tailgunner Ted may be a despicable lying sack of shit but at least he’s won thrice, which makes him 3-12. This qualifies him for a rotation slot on the 1969 Padres but not for the 2016 GOP nomination. The Insult Comedian appears unstoppable unless he’s abducted and spends the remainder of the primary season in an attic with a pillowcase over his head…
On the Democratic side, it was a big night for Hillary Clinton. She continued to show that she’ll walk through fire in her quest to become our first woman President. Her toughness and pugnacity will come in handy during the general election. It’s gonna be 1988-level vicious with the Insult Comedian as her likely foe. The good news is that it will be harder for him to get away with his primary season shtick during the general election. Furthermore, he’ll be facing a battle-hardened heavyweight as opposed to inexperienced lightweights like Rubio and Cruz or flyweights like Jeb Bush and Bobby Jindal.
Bernie Sanders continued to do well in places chock-full-o-white people, but lost the Commonwealth of Massachusetts by a hair: nose or ear, you decide. Oddly enough, he was trailing in Travis County, Texas (Austin) as of this writing but won Oklahoma. I wonder if they dug up former populist Democratic Senator, and 1976 Presidential candidate, Fred Harris; the last Oklahoma liberal of any note.
Sanders sounded resigned to his fate but I expect some of his more exuberant supporters will continue to claim that he’s the only one who can beat the Insult Comedian. I suspect H.A. Goodman, the Baghdad Bob of Bernie bro-dom, is writing such a piece at this very moment. They somehow think he can beat Trump because they’re both angry “anti-establishment” candidates. It’s called whistling in the dark: the McGovern people said the same thing about Wallace voters in 1972 and we know how that turned out. Additionally, many GOPers (Turdblossom Rove for one) have been openly rooting for Sanders to win the nomination so they can rip him several new ones. In the end, Senator Sanders is a lecturer, not a fighter. He may sound like a fighter, but he’s too thin-skinned to survive the sort of ratfucking the Republicans specialize in. Ratfucking may be too mild a term: it’s more like vivisection.
Another thing that kept popping up on my Twitter feed last night was the notion that the GOP would go out of business because of the Barbarian Insult Comedian at the gate. Here’s what some dude said about this:
To everyone who thinks the GOP will go the way of the Whigs. Not gonna happen. Lots of nose holding ahead for them.
— Shecky (@Adrastosno) March 2, 2016
The speculation on this subject was ignorant and wildly ahistorical. The Republicans currently control both Houses of Congress, the majority of state leges, and a gaggle of Goobers. In 1964, Barry Goldwater took a terrible beating and had very little “establishment” support as many prominent GOPers sat on their hands. The party was declared dead but an unpopular war and the anti-Civil Rights backlash had them back in the White House by 1968. One reason Tricky Dick became Oval One is that he campaigned for Goldwater, earning the respect of his most fervent followers. The GOP isn’t going anywhere even if Trump deservedly gets his ass kicked back to Yonkers, Queens or wherever…
I have no advice for the candidates who remain in the race. It’s up to them to decide whether they’re in or out. I suspect Cruz, Rubio, Kasich, and Sanders will stay in until at least March 15th if not longer. Potomac Fever is a highly contagious malady and it takes more than one licking to cure it. I mean licking in the losing sense of the word: the only licking I saw on Super Tuesday involved Chris Christie and Donald Trump’s rump.
Finally, make sure you read Athenae’s outstanding post: Forward, Now. I give you snark and she gives you inspiration for your post-Super Tuesday reading. I wonder if Chris Christie’s manhood is now in a blind trust ala Poppy Bush? The Donald claims he drives a hard bargain, after all…