Everybody knows that breakfast is the most important meal, a time to stock up on nutrient-rich foods that give us the energy we need to tackle the day. Or, if you’re White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer, it’s a time to chew and swallow 35 sticks of Orbit cinnamon gum.
This is the face of today’s Republican Party: The nose is pinched, the hair is sandy blond, the eyes are intense. But all you really need to know can be seen in the mouth. This is where Spicer’s talent and nervous energy meet. Watch it open wide enough to inhale his phone as he yells at an editor. Behold its versatility, as he at once chastises Trump for calling Mexicans rapists and murderers while also lauding him for calling attention to the issue of illegal immigration. Even when he is not speaking, it works on overdrive, churning through pieces of Orbit cinnamon gum, which he chews and swallows whole. Notwithstanding his line of work, the man just can’t stand a gross-feeling mouth.
“Two and a half packs by noon,” said Spicer. “I talked to my doctor about it, he said it’s no problem.”
I hate gum and sometimes use gun chewer as a slur, especially when someone is gumming up the works. Gum chewers are gross: they stick it on tables, chairs, and throw it on the ground when its rendered tasteless. Invariably, I’m the guy who gets it stuck on his shoe. This gives me an entirely new reason to dislike Sean Spicer although his rampant mendacity is a better one.
Speaking of gum chewing morons, Rick Perry was caught blowing bubbles during the Insult Comedian’s inauguration. I’m not sure if he swallows but here’s proof positive that he blows:
It’s almost as strange as the time Perry was caught playing with a bottle of maple syrup whilst campaigning in New Hampshire in 2011:
It’s going to be a long four years, y’all. I have my doubts that either Spicer or Perry will last the duration. I also doubt that Perry can walk and chew gum at the same time. I do, however, have a suggestion for a theme song for that bubble headed booby from Texas: