Don’t Fucking Do This to Young People

Billie Eilish, who seems fine, I dunno, and is A Young, gets made into Boomer/Xer/Millennial clickbait by not knowing stupid shit nobody’s obligated to know: 

On Thursday’s Jimmy Kimmel Live!, avant-pop sensation Billie Eilish proved to the audience that she is the youngest person on earth. During an informal quiz on ‘80s pop culture references, Eilish revealed that she did not know what a Cabbage Patch Kid is. Scandal!

“Like a Sour Patch Kid?” she asked. Yes! Well, more like a Garbage Pail Kid, technically, but a Garbage Pail Kid was like a Cabbage Patch Kid. It’s a rather intricate lineage, you see.

This is such crap. Why does she have to know about toys from the 80s? I hate this. She’s a young woman, she’s supposed to be a young woman, that’s all she’s supposed to be. She’s not on your show, Kimmel, for you to humiliate her, and make her into this shareable thing so that people MY OWN GODDAMN AGE can be like “why doesn’t a tiny baby know this thing that I know that doesn’t actually mean anything.” Like what would it prove if she knew all your bullshit references?

Why does she need to know a gremlin? Is it important for her job? Why don’t you ask her what’s important to her, Kimmel, or are you too busy remembering that when you were her age you were asking girls to jump on trampolines for your amusement?

I know Kimmel is GOOD NOW, because he talked about the time his family needed healthcare, but that’s the point. Even people who we think of as “good” manage to be horrible about this kind of thing and act like they have to be because that’s just what happens when you age. It’s not. Getting old is inevitable if you’re lucky; becoming a tool is a choice.

Like the only reason we think cultural signifiers like ’80s movies and Seinfeld lines are important is that they were important to us. Young people are not obligated to live our lives. They have their own, and by the way, Olds, we’re the ones out here going WHERE IS OLD TOWN ROAD like we don’t have an internet to look stuff up on. I just hate dragging kids into the cage and putting them through stupid gotcha-tests so that your aunt Connie can share it 25 times on Facebook with the caption I’M SO OLD. Yeah, you are. How is that Billie Eilish’s problem?

Can we not turn into our parents? If you want your kids to experience Ghostbusters then show them Ghostbusters, don’t drag the rotting corpse of your own coolness behind you like Bob Marley’s chains by bemoaning that your children don’t know the Ghostbusters by magic. Share your version of the good shit joyously, not with this resentful attitude of I CAN’T BELIEVE I HAVE TO TELL YOU WHO BATMAN IS or whatever.

And by the by, it wouldn’t murder half the people who moan at this sort of thing to listen to one new band every year or so. Jesus.

A.

2 thoughts on “Don’t Fucking Do This to Young People

  1. Jonathan says:

    Agreed, but Bob Marley’s chains? Did he trade a big doobie to Jacob Marley for them?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. USA Teabagged says:

    She’s probably lucky that she’s too young to remember the 1980s.

    Like

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