The Stages Of Barbara’s Unemployment

I wrote this some years ago, when Barbara was unceremoniously dumped from her long-time job at SEI.

I believe that there are enough people looking for work again to make this relevant today.

(Oh – and since the death of Brillo the Scottish Deerhound, the house is petless for the first time since we met 20 years ago)

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Stage 1 – Elation.

Sleeps late.

Gets dressed

Goes around the house singing “Ding Dong The Witch is Dead”. (her former boss was an asswipe)

Plays a lot of computer Maj-Johng.

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Stage 2 – Catching up.

Gets up with me.

Gets dressed.

Starts cleaning house like the proverbial white tornado.

Washes and waxes pets.

Catalogues everything in house alphabetically.

Puts resume out.

Cleans house again.

Attempts to alphabetize firewood.

Calls all her old friends – as an afterthought, calls her brother.

Attempts to alphabetize pets – discovers that placing Bailey Bulldog next to Kingsford Kitty doesn’t work very well.

Looks for bandages.

Cooks dinner for me.

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Stage 3 – Apprehension.

Posts resume again.

Goes around house turning lights off.

Gets cable bill.

Gets phone bill.

Gets water bill.

Goes around house making sure taps aren’t dripping and tuns sprinklers off.

Gets electricity bill.

Turns main breaker off and hides in closet.

Turns electricity back on again long enough to post resume again.

Turns breakers back off and returns to closet.

I cook dinner.

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Stage 4 – Panic

Wakes up at 3:30AM.

Puts on warm clothes and turns heat off.

Thinks about going to the store because we’re out of everything, but decides not to, because she’s almost out of gas.

Tests her email to see if it is actually working.

Beats animals for being hungry and whimpering

Posts resume again.

Calls all her old friends again, but by now they are watching their Caller ID, and refuse to pick up.

Posts resume again.

Starts calculating how much the furniture will fetch at a garage sale.

No dinner.

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Stage 5 – Depression

Stays in pajamas all day.

Reads.

Pets are all dead from starvation.

I have started eating out to avoid her.

Accuses me of not loving her any more.

Screams at me for not washing my breakfast dish.

I take the slide and magazine out of the Glock and hide them.

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Stage 6 – Gets new job !!!

Goes shopping for all new wardrobe.

Has car washed.

Back to normal again – whew!

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