My new favorite TV show is called Kevin Can F*%K Himself. If you don’t know, the premise of the show is that that main character, Allison, lives in two different television realities. In the brightly lit multi-camera sitcom world she is the perpetually put upon wife of the titular man child character. Think Leah Remini in The King Of Queens. In the other darker single camera world she is a woman on the edge of a nervous, potentially homicidal, breakdown ready to do anything to escape the hell that her husband has made of her life. Think Bryan Cranston in Breaking Bad. The combination of the two is a phenomenal deconstruction of both styles. I’m particularly drawn to the point it makes about how situations perceived as benign one way are tragic in another.

Which brings me to vaccines. In particular, the COVID 19 vaccine.

Let me just begin by saying that if you are a Kevin or a Karen who still hasn’t gotten the vaccine, you can go f*#k yourself. I don’t want to hear your excuses. I don’t want to hear about how the FDA hasn’t fully approved it (this is an emergency dickwad and it was approved for emergency use so f**k you use it). I don’t want to hear about how you HEARD it might mess with your DNA (no more than that six pack of Coors before dinner every night does and probably a lot less). I don’t want to hear about how you’re just being cautious and once the science comes in you’ll decide from there (like you care about science or could even read a scientific report let alone understand it). And if you say but people who have been vaccinated have still tested positive for COVID I swear I will punch your lights out. Learn what that really means. If you want this pandemic to be over there is only one way for that to happen and it’s for everyone to get the vaccine.

So f*^k you if you haven’t gotten it.

We had it beat. We were starting to reopen, to get back to normal, to come out on the other side. All you had to do was get the jab, once for J&J, twice for the others. The first day I was eligible I made an appointment to get it. More importantly the wife (Cruella) made an appointment to get it as well. Put a pin in that point, we’ll come back to it after the jump.

On June 15 California declared that anyone who was vaccinated could go without a mask, not have to observe social distancing, and in general get back to life as we knew it. Last week many counties in California were forced to reintroduce those precautions because the Delta variant, which it has been shown the vaccine protects against, has spiked here and across the country. Who’s getting sick? Not those of us vaccinated. Only those who are not. In other words, those of us who did what we were asked to do, what we were pleaded with to do, now have to go back to Pandemic Days because little Karen Kouldn’t Kare with her degree in epidemiology from the University of Fox News has to be kept alive and well.

I’ll do it, cause I’m just that kind of community minded person, but Karen can go f##k herself.

Why do I have no sympathy for the Kevins and Karens of the world? Now is the moment I said we’d come back to before the break.

The wife (Cruella) got her first dose of the Pfizer vaccine back in March. She promptly got an outbreak of shingles, a known side effect for a very small group of people who get the Pfizer shot. Asking if she should get the second dose she was told to switch to the J&J jab. Other than the usual sore arm and slight achy feeling the J&J offered up no ill effects.

OK, so she had a mild case of shingles (if there is such a thing) but otherwise what’s the big deal?

The big deal is that fourteen years ago she received the Hepatitis B vaccine and promptly developed peripheral neuropathy throughout her body. Know how your arm feels when you hit your funny bone? She has that all over. And still has it to this day. Turns out her particular shot came from a batch that was later found to have been contaminated and not thrown away, unlike the COVID vaccines that were suspected to be contaminated and immediately thrown away. Since then she’s been, well let’s call it vaccine suspicious.

Needless to say, she should be the poster child for those refusing to get the vaccine. She was and is vaccine injured. She went to Vaccine Court to sue for her injury and after months of Kafkaesque treatment at the hands of government officials she agreed to a settlement. She is living every day with the results of a bad vaccine, not in a hypothetical sense, not in a maybe this might kinda sorta happen to me sense, not in a Fox News “we’re just asking questions” sense. She is living in a real honest to whatever god you believe in vaccine injured reality.

AND SHE GOT THE F*&KING VACCINE!!

Because she understands that it’s not just about her. It’s not just about her fears of something going wrong again. It’s about all of us doing what we all have to do in order to end this pandemic and get on with our lives. If she were a soldier in a war (and let’s be clear here, we are ALL soldiers in a war against this disease) she’d be in line for the Medal of Honor for her bravery. Despite a very real probability of something going wrong (and it did) with the jab she said it was for the greater good that she get vaccinated and she did it.

Those of you who aren’t, you’re all just plain old fashioned cowards.

So to all the Kevins and Karens out there who refuse to get vaccinated and to all the politicians…oh let’s be honest it’s really just the Repugnicant politicians…who enable their petty “it’s all about ME” attitudes let me just say one last time

You can go f**k yourselves.

And as a parting gift here’s a little ditty from Jello and the rest of the gang

To this day, the best man I ever voted for in a San Francisco mayoral election

Shapiro Out

PS. If you are wondering why I haven’t fully spelled out the most common word used in this post it’s because A) I’m adhering to the style set by the TV show and B) I want to make sure youngsters can read it. If they ask you what f**k means, just say firetruck.