I’ve heard of fear of heights. It’s one of my own phobias.
I’ve heard of fear of guns, knives, and other lethal weapons.
I’ve heard of fear of crowds.
I’ve even heard Fear Of Music, the Talking Heads album.
But I’d never heard of fear of fruit until former President* Pennywise discussed his fear of flying tomatoes, pineapples, and bananas in a deposition in a civil case involving his bodyguard assaulting protesters. I am not making this up.
“Of particular interest to lawyers representing the protesters were Trump’s remarks during a campaign speech in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, on Feb. 1, 2016, in which he told attendees: “If you see someone getting ready to throw a tomato, just knock the crap out of them, would you?”
Trump conceded that his remarks may have been “said sort of in jest,” but quickly added that there was “a little truth to it” because hurled tomatoes are “very dangerous stuff.” He noted: “You can get killed with those things.”
Asked whether he was trying to “incentivize people to engage in violence,” the former president responded: “No, I wanted to have people be ready because we were put on alert that they were going to do fruit.”
Trump continued with another tomato tirade: “And some fruit is a lot worse than—tomatoes are bad, by the way. But it’s very dangerous. No, I wanted them to watch. They were on alert. I remember that specific event because everybody was on alert. They were going to hit, they were going to hit hard.”
I don’t know about you, but I’ve never heard of death by tomato except in this movie:
I can see pineapples being scary. They’re spiky, they’re Hawaiian, and they make one think of Bob Dole. They also make me think of this song:
But tomatoes? Not scary at all. In fact, they’re a rather jolly fruit. Just ask the Jolly Boys:
Bananas? How scary can a fruit be that makes you think of Harry Belafonte? White supremacists might find Harry scary but who’s afraid of a handsome man singing about bananas? DAY O.
Why isn’t Trump afraid of limes or coconuts? They’re solid projectiles unlike bananas or tomatoes. I dare the Donald to put the lime in the coconut and drink ’em both up:
What about watermelons? They’re heavy and are *almost* seedier than Trump’s business practices. Surely, he wouldn’t be opposed to stealing them.
Does Trump’s fruit phobia extend to Fruit of the Loom underwear? Having boxer shorts tossed at one would be most disconcerting.
I have a theory about the root cause of Trump’s fear of fruit: he lost his Fruit of the Loom shirt when his Atlantic City casinos tanked. Slot machines often feature spinning fruit. Every time Trump sees a tomato, pineapple, or banana he feels like a loser.
Donald Trump’s fear of fruit has a scientific term: Fructophobia. I avoided using it earlier because big words flummox the former guy.
It’s time for Trumpy to admit that he needs therapy so he can look a pineapple in the eye without flinching. Do pineapples have eyes? Potatoes have eyes but they’re vegetables much like the Impeached Insult Comedian.
J Danforth Quayle was widely mocked for his inability to spell potatoes when he was Veep. I think J Danforth deserves a prize for telling Mike Pence to certify the 2020 election. But a potato song is all I’ve got for him.
That will be the sole vegetable song in this post. Scout’s honor and I’m not talking about my former colleague Scout Prime.
I’m not exactly a fructophile, but I’ve eaten my share of fruit. Fearlessly. The only thing the Kaiser of Chaos has ever eaten fruit on is a well-done cheeseburger. Or does he tell them to hold the salad? For all we know, he may fear lettuce even though it’s a vegetable. A head of iceberg lettuce would make an excellent projectile. Let us hope lettuce is not wasted by being thrown at a MAGA rally.
I have exhausted the subject of fruit fear as well as myself. The last word goes to two bands with fruit in their names. Is the Impeached Insult Comedian afraid of Raspberries or Cranberries? Beats the hell outta me.
Are zombies still scary after years of overexposure? A zombie throwing cranberries strikes me as terrifying: