Irresolute Resolutions

I’ve never understood the concept of New Year’s resolutions. They didn’t make much sense in the 19th Century and make no sense in the 21st. Yet, many persist in making then breaking them. I’m not making any for myself but why not make some for the characters who make up our political and media menagerie in 2023?

Did I say menagerie? This lineup is more of a freak show than anything else. I try not to point fingers, I let the featured image do it for me.

The Impeached Insult Comedian resolves to sell off his tanning bed to help pay his legal bills. We’ve seen his taxes. He needs the money.

KMac resolves to slake his thirst for the speakership by allowing a mere five members to force an ouster vote at any time. He still doesn’t have the votes as of this writing. Schmuck.

Steve Scalise resolves to keep his ambitions cloaked until KMac falls, then sticks a knife in his back.

Marge Taylor-Greene resolves to look less wild-eyed and become a power broker in the House. I told you resolutions were unrealistic.

George Santos resolves to reveal that he’s the love child of Ronald Reagan and Charro. That is, of course, a lie but it never stopped him before.

Elise Stefanick resolves to go on a Vision Quest to discover who she really is. She will then fail because there’s no there there.

Mitch McConnell resolves to get a chin; clearly mission impossible.

Claire McCaskill resolves to keep shouting on MSNBC. I resolve to use my mute button anytime I see her.

Don Lemon resolves to not make an ass of himself on national television next NYE. He will once again live up to his last name and fail.

The New York Times resolves to not both-sides every political story then publishes a news analysis piece explaining both sides of that decision.

I could go on and on, but I won’t. I have a parade to watch. The last word goes to Todd Rundgren’s Utopia:

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